time for reruns.

tomorrow the return begins...been saying my goodbyes and selling all my crap, streamlining everything so it will fit into the orange bomber and then off drew and i go...the saying goodbyes to the people i care about is always a bit tough, but i am excited to be moving on and hopefully this time its in the right direction...everybody keeps telling me 'everything happens for a reason' and i just hope they are right...i just hope the reason isn't so i can keep posting zeros to the scoreboard, but just in a different stadium...but i am pumped and ready to go...drew and i will be blogging from the road and since we only have his little cell phone we will be doing it at a special place...check out this link to follow and comment or suggest.

http://psoebr.ulmb.com/journey/

here is to those in ontario that read this...i'll be seeing you soon.

m.

the day i say goodbye.

when people ask me why i came to vancouver i don't really know what to say...i didn't come for a job, i was leaving a lot of people i loved, but for some reason i felt i had to do something...maybe that is it, just to do something...coming to vancouver has had a profound affect on my life...good or bad, i am not really sure, actually i am not really sure if i want to think about it that way...i have discovered parts of me i didn't know existed, but i have also lost things that i didn't know meant so much to me...all in all it was a learning experience...i guess some people would say it was a waste of time, but i would just call it living...i enjoyed many aspects of living in vancouver, but i know forsure it is not a place i want to live any length of time in...what i am saying is, its time for me to leave.

i am heading home.

well, i am not sure if that is an accurate statement...where is home for me...i guess in the traditional sense where i grew up, but i sort of grew up in different locations, so which one wins out as home...maybe home is where the people you love are...but the people i love are so scattered...this is so confusing!! well, i guess i can't say i am coming home because it seems at this moment i don't have a home...and to be honest, that is okay with me...i am in search of a home, perhaps this will help:

* single male looking for permanent to semi-permanent home *
- relatively clean; enjoy vacuuming and sweeping when ears are filled with good music
- can be noisy when playing guitar or telling animated story
- spend many hours away from home running the streets contemplating life
- been known to have the occasional friend over and their girlfriends (i have perfected being the third wheel)
- hope to grow close and bond through candle light dinners and late night movies

if anybody has any recommendations drop me a comment.

home or no home, i am heading back to ontario where most of my family and most of my friend reside...i am excited about that...at this point it appears i will be leaving the west coast on the 30th of this month and heading east in the orange bomber with one more passenger than i had on the way out...i wanted to lay this out in my blog because at this point i plan to do some couch surfing, as in crashing on friends and families couches for short periods of time as i continue my job search...i figure this is the best way to see as many people as i can before i find an actual place to live...i know the obvious places i will be hitting, but if anybody reads this and wants a visit from a homeless person please hit me with a comment or a facebook message...i can offer barefoot running tips, cynical views on life and long winded opinions on a variety of topics...i look forward to seeing anybody i see.

here is what i look like now if anybody has forgot...haha.



m.

20 fingers.

so i got my pair of vibram five fingers and they are pretty wicked...i went with the aqua camo because i thought it best represented my personality...black or brown is so boring...plus i wanted them to stand out so everybody would stare (which happened...why do people try to hide their stares...it confuses me...like i don't see you staring at my feet)...anyways, i figured i should wear them around a bit to break them in, but then instead i did the grouse grind in them...that first pic above is me on the trail and the second one is me almost breaking my foot while trying to take another photo so i put the camera away until i was at the top...the third is the FF after the climb, a little dirty but no worse for the wear...i am not going to do a review of them or anything, you can find a hundred of them on the web already...i will say i loved them, they really do mimic barefootting well and give you protection against all the stuff that shoe wearers are afraid of...i also did an easy 5 miles in them later the same day and they were great...you can still feel all the contours and changes in the ground (which is the best part of barefooting) but the little stones and rocks don't get to you as much...there are a few different types of FF which i will be looking into in the future, but these will do me for now...go check them out and consider buying some, you won't be disappointed.

the next day, i decided to do another hike, the chief (located in squamish), in the FF...again they performed great...the best parts of wearing these new 'shoes' is that my leg muscles get a great workout...in the past when i was wearing shoes i would get various pains that were just uncomfortable and, well, painful...these pains were not a good thing, they were warnings against something that was bad...wearing FF i don't get pain, i get soreness because i am using muscles i didn't previously use on a regular basis...i can see how much stronger my feet and lower legs were get after prolonged use of the FF...i can't say enough...here are some highlights of my climb up the chief.





other than my FF nothing new is going on here...i am waiting on some job news and if it is good looks like i will be moving to canmore, alberta...if the news isn't as good all you ontario folk keep your eyes peeled for my pretty little face...i miss all you anyways, so if you see a runner barefoot in your parts who looks like he hasn't shaved in 6 weeks, it could be me...i will posted with the good/bad news when i get it...until then enjoy the world.

m.

stop being mean.

i am not suicidal, just lonely and using this blog as a therapeutic tool...i know things will get better, but i find that expressing my 'darkness' gives me motivation because i can sort of read about how pathetic it is...thanks for any support.

today while i was walking in the rain i started to think about why as humans we are so mean to each other...this topic has come up a bit in conversation that last couple of weeks and i find it very strange...why is it that as soon as we get close to somebody we feel we have the right to decide what is best for them...we concoct this elaborate plan for them and retain the right to decide if they are deviating from this plan...and when they do, we come down on them like a wrecking ball through and unsuspecting heritage building...even when it is clear that they are happy with their deviation, they are following their hearts, we try to chop them down...why are we so mean? why do we tear down the ones we love? is it for our own personal gain, so we can sleep better at night? knowing that they are following the plan, even though the plan really means nothing...i know we all judge, i mean i know i do, at times openly and honestly...but when it comes to peoples lives i try to just be supportive and happy that they are happy, not tear them down because they may have a different view of an appropriate lifestyle...i think we all need to re-evaluate the phrase 'i am just doing this because i care'...isn't life about making mistakes and then learning from them...let people make their own decisions and if they turn out to be mistakes, let them learn...it just seems that people get out of hand...parents abandoning their children because they are marrying the wrong guy...friends abandoning each other because of some choice they don't agree with...yelling matches, fights and name calling, for what? a little closure, a little less frustration? i think the emotion of anger is often lost of me...i tell people all the time that i never get angry and that is pretty much a lie because there are times when i do...but it just happens very rarely and i just don't get why people put so much energy into their anger...especially about things they have no business get angry about, like other peoples lives...humans beings everywhere, stop being so mean to each other!!! we kill and steal and lie and cheat...and we do all these things to the people that we supposedly love...i can't give you a definition for love, but i know for a fact that is sure doesn't involve those things...we need less steamy, red faces and more smiles...less fist fighting and more hand shaking...we need less judging and more acceptance...we need to be happy with each for who we are, not who we think each other should be...maybe that is why my friends list is so short...i only want to be friends with the people who really love ME...not portions, or some person that i could be...perhaps all this isn't as poetic as it could be, but think about how much you judge and evaluate other peoples lives...and then stop and just enjoy each other.

as some of you know i am now into running barefoot...and the more i do it the more i love it...i have been reading tons and am astonished at some of the things that i have been learning...the running shoes industry is worth approximately 20 billions dollars a year and their is ZERO scientific research that running shoes reduce injury...in fact, their is reliable research that suggests running shoes INCREASE the rate of injury and some even suggests that the higher the price of the shoes the more prone to injury...i think this is hilarious and wonderful...people that know me i am sure have heard me talk about starbucks and how much i hate it...this is true for various reasons, but in general i think i am starting to dislike large entities that can sway the public into purchasing almost anything...so, any chance to go against shoes companies, for me, makes for a great opportunity...something i find very funny is, i was reading this website that had pros and cons of barefoot running and one of the cons what 'you will look funny and people will stare'...now that is some scientific approach...to me, that would be in the pros coloumn, but that is a separate story...perhaps running barefoot isn't for everybody, i understand this...but if you are reading this, stay away from the 250 dollar shoes and gravitate towards the cheepest shoes that feel comfortable...allow your body to do what it is suppose to do...take some time to read and learn...it has change me forever.

as for my actual training, i am doing about 6 miles a day, getting my legs, ankles and feel accustomed to running barefoot...there are some rubber foot gloves of sort that i want to pick up which will help things along...but something about running completely barefoot is fun...so as for racing, it won't happen until next year...the good thing is i am pain free while running other than some blisters as i get used to BF...i will be looking to do a spring marathon, but not sure where i will be so i will have to wait and see...its great to be back smiling again while out on the road...running with pain just isn't the same...i am back to daydreaming and contemplating life's many mysteries...expect more frequent blogs as my mind returns to form.

to end...i miss my family and my friends...DR and his 'living'...CS and his lovely fiance...MA and my terrible lack of communication...obviously my mom and our movie dates...even BH and his elderly advice...i will even give a shout to JF and her sweet massage ability and shared love for a certain somebody...and finally...NM and our recent 'living'...plus anybody else i missed or i haven't talked to in awhile that might read this...i hope i get to see everybody soon...enjoy the earth.

m.

do i miss things or are things missing?

i recently realized, although subconsciously knowing for awhile, that i am, in the deepest and unfortunately, most darkness way, stricken with loneliness.

i miss sharing a couch with somebody while watching a great movie.
i miss making two sets of breakfasts, and caring how it tastes.
i miss being forced to use only one pillow due to the other one being occupied.
i miss having an ear to hear me strum my guitar.
i miss having a passenger in my car.
i miss the feeling you get when you hold somebody's hand.

and i fear that i am losing, more and more each day, my ability to contribute to any type of relationship...it feels so much like all the people i had relationships with, they are just fractions now...i don't see them, just hear them...maybe i see them, but just a digital version...i say less words in a day, than footsteps on an easy 6 mile run...what happened to me...where did i go wrong?

i am losing myself, slowly and surely and i am watching it happen...and it just makes me sad...i used to think i could do whatever it was i wanted, no i wonder if i can do anything...its eating me alive.

the people i talk to just keep telling me about how much potential i have and that things will turn around...and it just makes me feel like i am on fire, miles away from the nearest body of water...even the road seems silent these days...i run because its a necessity, but will it soon fail me?

i am really out of answers, lost and confused about my place in this world...i am struggling because i don't know how to seek help...i never really have had to...i could always figure things out on my own...and now, perhaps this hole is much to big for me to climb out...i am stuck.

my sister was married recently and i am happy for her...L and C really seem happy together...i am proud of her...however, the idea of marriage is just so lost on me...it is so difficult for me to grasp...why as humans do we build this institution to the point that is validates a relationship (or so society says)...wouldn't a real test of commitment be to not get married and stay faithful and in love forever?...doesn't marriage give us a crutch to lean on during the tough times? i understand people feel the need to celebrate their love for one another, and i think that is great, but i just don't see how marriage can mean what it means to people...something like 44% of marriages fail in Canada, and its reasonable to believe at least one out of every 10 marriages are unhappy, but they stay together...that means half of the people that get married stood in front of their family and friends and said 'until death do us apart' (or whatever they say) and then didn't go through with that statement...i am just amazed that we, as humans, remain so excited about the thought of marriage when those statistics just don't lie...i don't think i will ever wrap my head around it, nor will i ever feel the need to marry somebody to validate the love we feel for each other...maybe it stems from the over use of that word - love...how many people say that and don't mean it...and then i guess once they say that, the next logical societal step is marriage...lets put the blame on that...so, if you read this, stop saying that word unless you truly mean it...and if you are wondering if you mean it, you probably don't...stop asking other people if they think you are in love and listen to yourself...yes to most that will sound cynical, but if you really think about it, its more logical than anything...i have no problem with commitment, i have a problem with the people who promise commitment and then decide they were lying to themselves the whole time.

so, i will finish this seemingly dark entry with some light...i had a visit by MC Laughlin last week and it was up there as one of the best weeks i have had in vancouver...i smiled the whole time and felt more myself that i have in awhile...thanks!! although it was tough for MC to get over the fact that i am now running in barefeet and that i challenge almost every typical thought, we had fun. period. that was the best and most important thing. it was a perfectly, jagged lightning strike that illuminates the sky, just when you think the storm can't get any more beautiful...it was the sound of that light engulfing your entire body and the perfect smell of cold rain drops attacked by the warm ground and being trasformed into vapour...it was time well spent...it was living.

m.

daisy.

so encouraged (apparently) by the lead singer i went and got a leak version of BN's new album...say what you want about stea...i mean downloading, it got the music to me faster...by now means am i going to review the album because a large part of me thinks reviews are pathetic and useless...like anything anybody says about the music i listen to is going to change my mind...so why would i think i could change other people's mind...i will say the cd is epic in a whole new way than i expected...a cd that would be incredible to see performed live and a cd that will grow on me and get better with every listed...a very dense and layered record that deserves devotion and contiplation...it excites me.

i am on an easy week for running so not much to tell...i had a good 10 miler on the weekend but feeling tired from the grind...i think once my legs recover from this fatigue, i will start feeling much better on a continual basis.

i have been feeling like i am on a merry-go-round and it continues to speed up...i am holding on for dear life with no relief in sight...its exhausting.

float.

i just re-read my last posting and i have to apologize to those who toughed out that read...that was a poor display of spelling and coherent thought processing...maybe i should rethink my non re-read policy just to ensure that my thoughts are actually making sense...sometimes i just get so into a thought that my fingers can't keep up to my brain...i will try to work on that.

today i just did an easy 6 mile recovery run, but for the first 3 miles i had the weirdest euphoric feeling...i honestly have never felt something so weird, but intriguing...perhaps it was a lack of carb stores, or maybe i was just tired, but i was traveling at a really slow pace and i felt like i was flying...and i don't mean that in terms of running really fast, but actually floating...my head was light and all the sounds around me were muffled...i knew what i was doing, but i felt outside of my body...it was crazy.

short and sweet today.

m.

we are robots.

what is up internet?

did everybody see usain bolt destroy both the 100 and 200m records at the worlds, pretty ridiculous...i will never understand why people keep saying 'oh that record will never be beat in our lifetime'...and then some freak of a human goes and destroys the record...lets just refrain from making that statement, okay? humans break records, we push the boundaries, that is what makes competing so interesting and fun...anyways.

i got to see my brother, sister, brother-in-law and my little niece this week, as we made the trip to whistler...it turns out there are some great places to run in whistler, who knew...and since it was so hot i stopped to swim in the lake in the village which was beautiful and refreshing!!! whistler is a pretty cool town and i hope to get up there this winter and hit the mountain with my bro...anyway, jeff's sister and her husband hooked us up large with this condo suite in upper village...it was bad ass and matty hooked us up with free pizza, which was a bonus...i even got in a round of 18 holes, mini putt holes that is...although it was real grass, and rough...haha....all in all it was a great get away...plus i got to see the bailster in action, and boy was she full of action...not to fond of the old car ride, but once we got there she was a bundle of joy...i think we should all envy the little ones...its either good or bad, hot or cold..everything is perfect and fun and exciting, or it sucks...there is no in between...it really makes things easier in my opinion...haha...maybe i should try to take that advice!!

i went over 40 miles for the week for the first time in a long time and it feels great...plus i am up to double digits for my long run, a great 10 miler today...actually i totaled 13 miles today...i drove out to north van to run the trans canada trail, but it turned out to be an uphill mountain battle so i cut that short and just did a 10 miler by my house...the 10 was really great and i even got the last couple of miles under 7 min/mi which felt nice, just to get up to pace...the feeling of invincibility i used to always get when i was like 6 miles into a long run pushed its head through the tired muscles and thin layer of fat today, just to let me know that it was still around...it is a beautiful feeling, one that reminded me of my marathon last year...between mile 8 and 18 i felt like i could run a 230 marathon...it ultimately faded and i didn't even break 3 hours, but that feeling is bliss...my mind morphs from something that is controlling to something that is simply monitoring...my body is no longer bone, muscle and tendon, but a series of mechanical parts all moving in a very robotic manner...my brain simply watches and observes, monitoring malfunctions...its as close to cruise control as you can get...it is truly beautiful...i get the feeling that my feet and the pavement are one...like there is a glue grafted to both parts and as i lift each foot the glue stretches and then pulls the foot back to the pavement...each foot strike is like the perfect good night kiss, the perfect touch and it happens over and over again...its an opportunity to live the most radiant and beautiful moment over and over again...that coupled with the fact that you can lose yourself in the robotic motion of your body and escape to any place you want to be makes these runs so special...in any case, it was great to see the feeling show itself for a bit...i know it won't come around always as i am not in that shape yet, but it is nice to know it hung around through the tough times.

i am getting another visitor in about a month and i can't wait for that...i wish i could come back to ontario to see people more often because there are lots of people i miss so much...and it is super special when people make the trip way out here...sometimes i wonder what exactly i am looking for way out here living amongst all these mountains when there are so many people i love back in ontario...i hope its something great and i hope i find it some day...maybe it doesn't work that way, maybe what i am looking for will find me no matter where i go...or maybe what we are looking for can't be found, but it is actually just the life we live while trying to find something that is important (if that makes sense, you know my policy on rereading blogs)...anyways, i hope something crazy happens to me soon, i could really use the jolt...peace.

m.

acceptance is the first step.

i have come to this place to admit my newly developed addiction to twilight saga...now before you go and judge me on this, let me justify and explain how my feeble attempt to avoid this was such an epic failure...i didn't read the books because of the teenage cult following and i didn't want to be part of that whole escapade, but i did obtain the movie without having to shell out any money which makes this a much more beneficial habit...the reality is, beneath the obvious vampire plot line and cult following due to the 'good looking' actors, there is an inspiring love story that develops...a story that shows that love should conquer all...in fact i would go as far as saying we could all learn a thing or two from the movie (or book for that matter)...i mean, i am sure that sounds insane, but when you dissect the story, it is true...when you are willing to give up your very source or existence for the person you love, that is a powerful message...i think if we all could find a love that strong in our lives, the world would be a much better place.

off day today for running and i feel pretty gross, but playing it safe and not jumping into things too crazy to start...lately i have lots to think about and my runs have been going by in a flash...there were a few times when i arrived back at my house without really remembering much of the run; being lost in my thoughts and all...the thing is, how do you conquer a challenge that has no answer? has no correct path? do you keep fighting or go limp and give in? my focus is so fuzzy right now it is making my head hurt...sometimes when i get back from a run, i want to go for another one in hopes that i can clear some of the smoke because i just can't figure anything out...i am trying to be patient and just let the universe takes its course, but it is difficult...is it time to relent and stop fighting, admit to the defeat and move on? time will tell i guess.

here's a song from the movie that i love.



m.

my brain dreams.

i entered 'daydreaming' into google and obviously the first hit was from wikipedia...and it said a day dream is a visionary fantasy experienced while awake, especially one of happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions.

i am hooked.

it appears that the older i get the more time i spend daydreaming...whether it be about winning a big running race, landing a great job, meeting the perfect girl or winning lots of money...they are always great!! especially when i am running lots and have so much free time with my mind...i get really involved in my daydreams, extracting the smallest details from the depths of my brain...alot of time it sort of takes me away from reality and i forget that i am running and i get right into it, likes its a movie, or even better real life...i just keep weaving the story, making it better and better, and then i arrive back at my house and i am almost disappointed that the run is over, well actually that the daydream is over...haha...do you daydreaming and if so, how much time do you spend daydreaming? i wonder if daydreams are analyzed like actual dreams...i don't think they are quite the same, because there is so much conscious control...in any case, i enjoy it tons...in windsor where i had running partners i didn't get up to it as much cause they was chatter and all that, which is great in its own respect, but my daydreaming slacked...here's to bc and my addiction to daydreaming.

did 8 miles today which seems like chump change to my friend who did a 12 hour race yesterday...just wanted to give a shout out to CS, hope the race went crazy awesome...we will have to show down on the pavement again sometime in the future...just give me a chance to get back into shape...my run was great, it being the longest i have run in i can't even remember...but taking things slow and loving it...burnaby lake is a gold mind for running...will prob explore doing some laps of it for longs run in the future.

listen to this song and love it (or hate it i guess)...music heals all wounds, and this helps heal mine.


m.

dance like everybody is watching and you don't give a shit what they think.

last weekend was the pride parade here in vancouver and it was pretty crazy to see...it was great to be a part of something where everybody sort of forgot about any problem they were having for a few hours and just had a great time...there was no judgment or prejudice amongst the crowd (atleast that i saw) which was made of all sorts of different people...it really made me feel good to be a part of that crowd...there were certainly some sights to see and i had a blast...not to mention carol and leanne put together an amazing brunch before hand...i was in heaven with all the breath taking breakfast foods...plus i got a comment on my hair, which i was so stunned by i didn't even know what to say...it was weird...must have been the rope headband that did it....perhaps i can figure out how to post a few pics...let me try
well that was a little tedious, but there are a few...it was a great time and the girls that made it great.

have been running, and that is about it...my pass to the pool ran out and i am not in a financial position right now to renew and to be honest i am having too much fun running...yesterday on my run i was thinking about how perfect running is to me...there is nothing to worry about when you are out on a run, especially if you have a series of notes collected together banged around in your ears...with swimming, you gotta worry about other people in the pool, the wall, and even getting to the pool...biking, well gotta watch the tires or they could pop, there is traffic and bumpy roads...but with running, i jus throw on the old shoes and i am instantly beamed away from normal existenance and get to participate in the creation of a euphoric cloud of greatness...in the moment last night, i just felt nothing could really compete with this, nothing can really compare...with running, it gives you back everything you put into it...it surrounds you with a blanket of pain and woven into the blanket of tiny fabrics of ecstacy...but the best part is that thost tiny fabrics are not accessable without the pain...you must endure, if you are to reap witch makes it truely beautiful...perhaps this is the reason i have failed at all my meaningful relationships...because from what i hear and what i have learned, love should be number one on the list of 'perfect' things in life...maybe it has never reached number 1 for me which ultimately leads to it failing...in any sense, my love life with running is as strong as ever and i can't see it ever diminishing.

now i just gotta get the body back into top form and things will start to work out...i will keep you posted on any schdule i created...right now i am just running and don't have any races in mind, but will start looking soon...i don't get many comments on this blog, hell i don't even know if anybody reads it...but tell me what you think of running and if you love it like i do.

anybody who knows me, knows i love music...and also knows i love the band brand new...their new cd drops next month and i couldn't be more happy...when i find a cd (whether it be by a band i know or don't) that i really love its like i have won the lottery...my mood in every aspect of life is greatly increased and i am most likely more production as a whole...i am counting down the days...on monday steph, chandra and i went to sam roberts...it was at deer lake park which is an outdoor venue and it was some of the most fun i have had in a really long time...we were dancing like we owned the place, like we had taught michael jackson all his moves...and we didn't care what we looked like...as steph said 'we were like the people you see at concert and you bet your buddy to dance with them for 5 bucks'...it was fun being those people.

m.

the library has books...and they are free.

hello internet,
its been awhile...been outside enjoying the crazy heat wave here in bc...people are going crazy because our arch nemesis, humidity, is reeking havoc on the province...we have only seen the likes of this weather 3 other times in the last 125 years, which i think is pretty crazy...as for me i don't mind it, i have always been an sweater whether it is 20 degrees or 30, so now i just feel part of the crowd...haha.

sort of been bummed out lately; looking for a job is more more overwhelming than i expected...i think it is because i haven't fully committed to it yet and the fact that i have this undeniable fear that whatever job i get, i won't feel like i fit it...i mean i already feel like an outcast in society, how am i suppose to fit in at some professional firm (if that is what i choose to do)...i just don't feel normal in a suit and tie...i am afraid, in a way, that if i get a real job then i am just giving into the mainstream societal pressures and i will be losing a little bit of what makes me unique...on the other hand, i have identified that i have to have a job to survive, i guess it is just taking time to convince myself of that fact.

as for the rest of my life, pretty boring...i have been playing guitar tons as of late and singing like i have a voice that should be heard...got my mic and amp all set up in my living room and i belt out the likes of brand new, matthew good and modest mouse to my hearts content...i am sort of practicing up to some day particiapte in an open mic, but i will have to have my good friend by my side for the first time...i know he is practicing up as well...i have really narrowed down the songs i play to ones i enjoy singing, because in the end, music is therapy for me and belting out lyrics that insprie me, aids in getting me through the days...this weekend i am flying solo, so if i get all bold maybe i will do a video and post it for people to make fun of...it could be fun.

i rode my bike up burnaby mountain yesterday, which was harder than i initally anticipating it to be...it wasn't hard from like the standpoint of doing wind sprints, or even running a 10 mile tempo...it was just mental hard because riding up hill is relentless...i give credit to the tour de france guys, gravity is a deathly oppnent...what makes it so tough is there is no rest...you lose focus for a bit and you go backwards, or fall over...it is just a steady grind and at one point i started to laugh at just how much of a grind it was...i am sure if was funny for people to see me laughing as i struggled up this mountain in 38 (with the humidex) degree weather...i would have laughed if i had saw myself...haha...but in the end, it was worth it because i felt a little bit of accomplishment as i reached the top...i hope to do that route atleast once a week and even hit up the top of the mountain and around SFU for additional riding...maybe one day i will even run it, but that would be pretty intense...i will have to see about that one.

anyways, i am out and i will leave you with three thoughts that i am currently thinking:
1) the michael jackson news coverage makes me despise our society even more...yes it was sad, get over it...i have pretty much given up on watching actual tv, beacuse it makes me throw up in my mouth
2) the movie 'i love you man' was really great, and any dude that is out of school and finds himself struggling to make friends should watch it
3) i have been coming to the library as of late and i find it really comforting...i was never a frequenter of these places in the past, but the fact that you are surrounded by tons of inspiring and intelligent works of art is peaceful and comforting...makes me feel like there is way more to life that i even knew possible.

m.

abnormal: not typical, usual, or regular

as i sat atop my stationary bike and gazed upon the puddle, the spongy bog that had been created beneath me, i concluded that i was a different breed of human being than the normal...i wouldn't consider myself abnormal (although if you are not normal how is possible to not be abnormal) but just cut from a different cloth, wired in an alternate fashion...i have an undeniable obsession to push my body as far as it can go, and then want to push it farther than that, even in a one hour spinning class...i look around and see small beads of sweat on other peoples faces, but not a pool that needs rubber galoshes to cross...perhaps its that my sweat glands are on steroids, or i am just not in that great of shape, or maybe i just internalize all my struggles and anger and take them out on my body in some sort of exercise...in any event, the obsession has taken over my life and it now defines me...and to be truthful, i love it...this is how i was born, how i was designed to act and now that i have discovered that, i am happy...i smile when i muscles burn, and my obsession his taking me towards the avenue i want to be traveling down for the rest of my life.

to me there is something incredibly peaceful about riding within the confines of a public transit bus...its magical...whether your motive is inexpensive travel, reducing your carbon footprint or just a lack of a personal automobile, the end goal is the same...and i feel that just places everybody on an equal level...i like to picture the inside as a sort of bubble, where once you enter the bubble there is no prejudice, no social status or judgment...it doesn't matter where you are from or what colour your skin is because everybody on that bus is bonded together by their primary focus of achieving travel...its beautiful...you can chat with the driver or the other passengers, or read a book, or maybe just listen to music and enjoy the city moving along without sound...no matter what i do when i am on the bus, it is always on of the best parts of my day...on a bus everybody is family, and we ride together!

i have been reading 'into the wild' and hit up the library today to get a couple of books that chris mccandless was inspired by...his story really inspired me, and not in a way that makes me wanna fall off the radar, but in a way that makes me want to seek out adventure...my mind in working hard now and although it is going to take time to achieve what it is working on, my focus in beginning to become singular...it is nice to have clarity, now i just must put all in motion.

i have been running about 4 times a week and had my last accupuncture session on wednesday...this weekend i will do up a program involving swimming, biking and running along with core workouts that i will follow for awhile...i think i will do a race this fall, i doubt it will be a marathon as i don't think i will be ready, but most likely i will do a half this fall and then if all goes well i will do a full in the spring...but those plans could change...i have really been enjoying swimming and biking, but in the end absolutely nothing can compare to running...the thing that i find ironic about running here in bc is that what people hate the most, provides with some incredible happiness--the rain...i got into a run the other day where the skys were falling and it was tranquility...it was 50 minutes of unrelenting day dreaming while being punished by the pavement, but comforted by the raindrops...it was a brief moment of perfection and in that moment i remembered why i fell in love with running and why i am still in love with running...it was unmistakenly elegant.

m.

trendy is always spelt wrong in my dictionary.

today i was touring around a bit in vancouver and i came to the realization that i hate this city...i mean maybe not hate, maybe sort of love/hate...how can you not love the mountains every morning, the green space, the active lifestyles and the push to be environmentally conscientious...but then there is the other parts...i can't stand the fact that every where you go you have to read about how you can make your life more luxurious...live in luxury, top of the line everything...get the ultimate bbq here, the greatest oven there, upgrade your interent for just a few dollars, its 0.2 percent faster...there is always somewhere for somebody with money to get a little bit more, and why, just so they can say they have the best...and if somebody says the word trendy again i am going to vomit...people trying to dress trendy, oh i only date people who have a trendy style...what the fuck does that mean anyways...is trendy what everybody else is doing or what nobody is doing, i can't keep track anymore...how about the 'i don't give a shit what i wear or how i look' trend...stupid vancouver residents, feeding the fire, letting their greed rule their lives...get over it...and then there is things like what i saw today that just make me sad...i understand that ever city is dirty, but today i was walking off the skytrain and i passed an undeveloped piece of land (it was near downtown) and it was all fenced off...and all i saw was garbage which had collected at the foot of the fence...in a city that is surrounded by such beauty, how can people be so iggnorant? littering has got to be the ipedimie(no idea how to spell that) of laziness...i do admit there are very few waste bins on the sidewalks in vancouver, but how difficult is it to cary you mcdonalds bag until you see a garbage you waste of space slob...it makes me pretty sick...anyways, i am done with that rant.

onto something cool i saw the other day...i was at tim hortons enjoying a coffee and a sandwich (the turkey bacon club really can't be beat) and upon finishing my delecious sandwich i went to place my bag and cub in the garbage only the door would not push open...and my immediate hasty reaction was 'these employees can't even empty the garbage what are they doing'...so i moved to the next garbage and same thing...what the hell...it wasn't until i took the two seconds to read the garbage which had been intentonally sealed shut and it said 'have you tried our new recycling bins?'...needless to say i was excited...they had a station with three different holes, one for cups, one for bags and other type materials that could be recylced and finally one for waste...i thought that it was pretty special...why can't all fast food restaurants figure out a way to recycle their packaging material...imagine how much garbage mcdonalds sends to their corresponding landfills each year...i am sure the number is staaggering...so good on you timmy ho's...i have always loved you and now even more.

i slacked a bit the last few days on the running/swimming/biking because i was recouping from my bday and i was just lazy...but i am back at it now...i got some biking gear and am ready to start hitting the road for some substantial bike rides...still hitting the pool for 2.5 to 3km per session and running is dabbled in there...still getting tightness in my calves after a run and it is really frustrating...gonna see how that goes...may get into a triathon next weekend, just a short sprint so nothing too crazy...but it should be fun...i got a used wetsuit for 30 bucks off craig's list so i am ready for ocean swimming...it should be fun...i leave you with a picture from my bday bash (if you can call it that) of my roommate stef, her friend mark and i...i promise we weren't drunk at all!!

m.

canadian made.

i've been running this week!!! haha...well i guess it was last week but the days are morphing into one lately as it seems all i do is exercise and eat...ya i did a 6 mile and then a 4 mile and they both felt great...there was a bit of tightness in the calves the next day but that is to be expected...my legs are definitely not in shape for running, but the old ticker held up alright...it seems as though the swimming and biking is helping get me back to where i want to be.

speaking of biking, i bought a road bike, a used one ofcourse...i have only be out on it once, i wanna get a pump and extra tubes before i do anything crazy...but it was really fun...i really want to get into some tri's this year while i get better and back into the hardcore running...i never really thought i would like the biking, but i had fun with the bike today, there are lots of bike paths around burnaby and vancouver as they seem to really encourage that type of travel...i have been reading a book on climate change, and although i don't take everything it says as truth, it does point out how addicted we are as a society to the automobile and how that is essentially leading to our eventual downfall...the lease on my car is up next year and i am going to put serious thought into living without a car for awhile...i think that could be fun, it could teach me some lessons and maybe give me a greater appreciation for the ability to go any place at any time...anyways, back to the bike, i attached a photo for all too see...i will never love anything like i love running, but i am beginning to appreciate these other disciplines and i am enjoying the change.

today was sort of a day of remembrance for me, i am not sure why, but it just seemed to happen...i find it tough sometimes to think back on my life and the decisions i made because knowing what i know now would have come in handy back then...but i don't let it get me down, i just enjoying thinking about it sometimes...it actually inspires me to be better in the present...well, most of the time...when it comes to love and relationships i am not sure if i will ever been inspired or if i will ever get it right...i see couples getting married or talking about marriage and it feels so far over my head its scary...today i got the thought in my head that i may be the type of person and has one single soul mate in the world and until i find that person, no other human being stands a chance with me...and the reality is, i may never find that person or maybe i have already found that person and didn't know it...i am not sure...all i know is i have done some real damage when it comes to the relationships i have been in and to stay positive to keep moving forward i have to think they were the right ones to be in, or it wasn't the right time to be in it...the whole concept of a relationship i find to be very simple from a distance, but once you get involved in one it just never is...why can't it just be 'we are happy together, we are in love' end of story, or 'we are not happy together, lets go our separate ways'...but we all know, it just doesn't work that way...love is such a complex thing, and some days i find myself thinking that love is just something human beings creating to make themselves feel better or mean more...but most days i see it, and i know it is real and i know that i have felt it on two occasions...i guess when it is gone for awhile, sometimes you forget its power...well, to all out there in love, i salute you...stay strong on the front lines, it will pay off in the end.

m.

canada does have provinces.

okay, to start i am going to go on a little rant.

why, oh why, do journalists (and i will single out american ones because a lot of news i read is sports, written by si) always fail to mention the province of a canadian city they write about...why is it vancouver, canada or toronto, canada...i just don't understand, i don't say 'i am taking a trip to seattle, america, that just sounds stupid...are they that ignorant they can't learn the provices of the country that is attached to them at the hip, there are fell less of them then states...that just really irritates me for like 12 seconds after i read it...it doesn't ruin my day or anything, but really its vancouver, british coulumbia...get it straight!!!

got the go ahead on the running from my therapist on wednesday which is a good sign...well she said i should start testing it more, so not quite the start of training, but good signs all around...i am going to keep up with the biking and swimming, as well as the core workouts (which i sort of hate) but i am going to trickle in some running as well...i will keep you posted on how the runs feel and what kind of running shape i am in.

just got back from grocery shopping and oh what a good time...amongst regular weekly necessities i would have to put grocery shopping at the top of the list...you get to check out all the delicious food, chat with the employees and just fantasize about the endless possibilities that each aisle brings...its like paradise.

still no job, just hanging out still...it seems there is a little more action on the job websites though so that is a good sign...things are looking good if make a strong push with my resumes...things should work out!!!

i thought i had some real topics to discuss with myself, but i can't think up any right now...until next time and intellectual conversations sans people.

m.

the previous chapter had no characters, this one does.

its been many days, and many nights...i think i have been lost and sort of pretended i was a different person for awhile...i couldn't run, i moved away from the people i loved and i got sad...i took out all my negative feelings on my life and got bitter, stopped writing, let my body go and just gave in to my surroundings...however, within that sadness a new and more exciting flower spawned and is now here to stay.

currently i am all up into some acupuncture therapy to help heal my body in hopes that i will regain the running form i so desperately loved...but in the mean time i have been hitting the exercise trail with some other gems like biking, hiking (grouse grind in particular) and swimming (which oddly enough i am sort of falling for after a previous failed attempt to do so)...my body and self image are slowly climbing the ladder and i hope to be on top of things again in the future...i have splashed a few runs in here and there over the past few weeks but nothing to write home about...oh how i miss the feeling of the wind in my face, cracking off 7 minute miles and just loving it...i think my problem was, i convinced myself that those moments were the only ones where i felt alive...once i couldn't live those moments anymore, i failed to live...i hadn't died, but i just wasn't living anymore and it took me awhile to fix that flaw...so i will keep updates on my running and race ideas but they will come slowly...in the mean time i will post updates on my life and whatever thoughts are running through my head.

i made the move to burnaby, which although still a city, is much more my style than vancouver...even though they are attached at the hip...much more foliage and less dolche and cabana (i am sure that is spelled wrong, i actually hope it is) sunglasses...living in the lower mainland of bc has provided me with some good times, some great landscape but also i deep hatred for certain parts of our society and how things work in 'every day life'...i have always thought i was a bit different, and my thoughts have been confirmed...however, the best part of that is it makes me happy...i am so done with the materialistic part of the earth we have created, i mean i am not ready to move into the wilderness just yet (perhaps some day), but the greed and gluntenly that i witness on a daily basis makes me sick...where as humans did we go wrong?

i am living with my friend steph, who upon reading this, will discover that she is one of the most important people in my life...anybody that knows me, knows that i don't carry many people in my little pocket of friends, but she has made a real splash in that pocket and it has been a lot of fun so far with tons more to come...we are hooked up in a place right by a huge park with a lake (the lake is not that big but still cool seeing as it is in the middle of the city) and i couldn't be happier with it...once i do start to run more consistently i have tons of places to explore.

i am not working right now, yes laid off...sort of a product of our recession and sort of a product of my discontent for the type of work i was doing...now i am searching, searching for something that is going to make me feel a little more complete inside...recently i have started to develop some fears that i am not going to find something and i am going to end up living on the street, but i am staying positive and feel that attitude will reach out to the universe and in turn the universe will send me something great (atleast somebody once told me that is true and i trust her instincts).

other than that i am just working out, quietly mocking the participates of vancouvers trendy alliance and just laughing...playing guitar, although i sold my electric guitar because it wasn't quite the one i wanted and now i miss it like it was once a often used limb or internal organ...i will obtain a new or used one in the near future, i must!!! so i once again look forward to writing these blogs and getting my thoughts out to the online community...my treatment is half way through and i am hoping soon i will be able to begin my slow process back to full scale training...until next time...watch less tv, buy less things and enjoy this wonderful country we live in.

m.

ps. i highly recommend the movie 'one week' for any canadian that reads this.

i hope you charged your batteries, robots, its going to be a long night.

i totally forgot it was valentines day, what a tragedy...i hope all the happy couples out there exchanged gifts like obedient robots, and greased up their face muscles so they wouldn't cramp up from all the forced smiling...i am sure the day was filled with all kinds of love and affection...personally i think its pretty much bullshit...although there are bound to be some gf's upset tonight because their gift wasn't up to snuff and maybe i will be graced with a dramatic exit scene or tongue lashing...that would make my day, i will be sure to have popcorn handy...i don't really buy into the who gift giving thing on this day, even if i don't have a significant other...are we so busy that we need a day to remind each other that we care...its sort of reminder of how pathetic we have come as a society...i say fight the system, break the red and white chains and say no to v-day, and say yes to every day...show your partner that you care all the time, and choose random days to buy flowers...you will save money and the unexpected gifts are always much better...i really don't mean to sound so bitter...its not that i don't think love deserves a day...love is much more special than that...it deserves a life.

i bought new strings today for my guitar so hopefully i will be ambitious enough to record something and post it...if anybody actually reads this...oh i know annoymous does, so stayed tuned.

m.

my furnace burns just like your hopes and dreams.

anonymous is back and posted a great song in the comments...one of my all time favorites actually...solid taste...and i think the song is a love song of sorts which makes it even better...because who couldn't use a little bit of love.

i just finished watching the movie american teen and it was really interesting...it was a sort of documentary that followed 6 teens in their senior year, showing the different sides of each and the struggles that they had to endure...in the end everything came to a happy conclusion which i found pretty funny...the movie actually feel a little disgusted at how childish the world can be at times...but it also got me thinking about what i want to do with my life...wait a second, it made me think of what i want to do in the coming years...how can we define what we want to do with our life...things change in an instant...i want less definition and more questions, more adventures...more randomness...it keeps things interesting...i can't imagine my life being a book, where you can just flip to the last few pages and read the ending...i want it to be more like a daily paper where i can subscribe and recieve daily information, most of it new and unexpected...this paper won't be brodcasting only negative stories, but exciting flashes of genious...maybe i will called it 'the daily genious'...that just makes me proud.

so over the past few weeks i have been thinking about relationships, love, commitment and all that exciting stuff...and i have come to the conclusion that it terrifys me and i am not really sure why...i often think about what i consider my perfect relationship and usually i come to the same conclusion...it doesn't really exist...soul mates; a little optimistic i would say...but maybe these thoughts are just a product of what has gone down in my past, i am not sure...anwyays, last night i was continuing this thought line, when the rye kicked in and i realized that it was a fucking waste of time...last night i build a furnace in my head...this furnace is designed for unwanted thoughts...whenever one comes along from here on out i will put it in the furnace and burn it away...use the heat and energy produced to fuel productive thoughts that are going to improve my life...i love my furnace, it burns with great intensity and the funny thing is, its efficiency is increased when i am wearing a headband...must be equivalent to a thinking cap...lets call it a combustion headband...done.

i am totally addicted to tokyo police club and i am proud to admit it...they are pop with great lyrics and i love it...their songs are teases though because most of them are only like 2 and a half minutes, so i just reply them over and over...i have fun though so i don't care.

well i am out, tonight i am off to a house party...i am entering an unknown world, will i return?

m.

identity.

i have been trying, but its official...i am a man without an identity...a body without a face...an army without a leader...its a bit frightening, losing something like that...now the focus is to regain that identity or maybe discover a new one...could be tough...where do you start?

m.

free ice.

have you ever taken a look at your life and wondered where exactly you are headed?

and i don't mean in a frightened way...there is no fear of traveling down the incorrect path or being nervous that you won't get there, but just feeling a little left out when the message came down to tell about your destiny...its difficult to describe the emotions...somebody once told me that they thought there were emotions that you could not describe, and perhaps this is one of them...lately, i just have been feeling completely on the outside, like an alien, like i was never meant to fit in to the mass population that seems to have no trouble fitting in...the thing is, in no way does this make me sad, in fact i am sort of proud of it...atleast i know i haven't been formed by a popular cookie cutter shape...it does make me feel a bit lonely though...even my friends seem to have mastered the art of throwing down with the general public...and the people i used to think were in my boat, they have moved on, to bigger boats and ships...but this doesn't mean i am sinking, i am not, i just choose to lazily float around on the open water...maybe one day i will hit somebody elses boat and we can form an alliance, i am not sure...that sort of brings me back to not knowing where i am headed...i still beleive that i am destined to do something worthwhile, something that will fill me with pride...and acomplishment that i can say made a difference in somebody's life...but for now this blindfold is really itchy and annoying...but don't fret, it is not going to stop me from moving forward, thinking big and trying to overcome the many obstacles we face in this life...i have been reaching out to these strangers, the humans that seem so different...so what if a handshake is foreign, nervousness seems to pass, right? maybe i just wasn't the '1000' friend make when my designer was envisioning his creation...shit, i barely hit 250 friends on facebook...is that sad? or am i just picky? i guess my next challenge is to just start putting myself in those awkward positions and start learning how it all works...no man is an island, and apparentaly no alien is an island either...its just my parcel of land is pretty small so not people end up staying...i must invest in some lights, decorations and maybe a mini bar, entice people to stick around...coming soon, state of the art ice maker, your drinks are colder than ever.

m.

strangers and anonymous commenters.

last night i got all up into some walk in volleyball with total strangers...and it was a great experience...the whole interaction with strangers and meeting new people with little or no buffer is not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around...and due to my stubbornness to learn, i guess, i don't have much practice...but, that is where change rolls through these parts...i am trying to put myself in situations that force me to learn, force me to change my anti-social ways...and that is exciting...i am discovering in a bad way that friends are the pillars that keep you standing during times where it feels things just keep piling on...and although i am no where near rock bottom there are days when i wake up and feel there is a lot of weight on my shoulders and without some solid foundation work, i could come crashing down...now i have some solid pillars, but it never hurts to revamp and enhance that part of your life...so heres to strangers, sometimes they are nothing what you expect, in fact that seems to be the case all the time.

i would like to send out an encouragement to people who are hiding, hiding a huge part of themselves, for whatever reason that may be...it is a burden, one which nobody should have to go through alone...i understand that sometimes things can't be allowed to escape, but at some point the container that is holding all of the secrets is going to burst and that doesn't provide a happy ending for anybody...good luck with the demons inside, well all have them, we just gotta find a way to let them out, slowing, so nobody gets hurt.

finally, thanks anonymous for the franz ferdinand lyrics...i never thought they would end up in my blog...i enjoy trying to decipher the meaning and determine if they have any relevance to my ramblings...i look forward to further comments and perhaps an unveiling of your i.d., even if i don't know you...enjoy.

m.

time is like gravity...you can't stop it no matter how much you curse.

man last night was f'ing crazy...what an experience that was...perhaps i will tell one day...this week has been a week to remember and not really because anything monumental happened, but because i learned a lot...and it feels great...not running has been a bit depressing but i am discovering different parts of myself that i didn't realize existed and for that i will be forever greatful...i will always love running and do it for as long as i can, but right now, during this time off, i am going to enjoy everything else...and that is wonderful...i gotta give a shout out to J and C for the engagement...i am proud of you both for doing it up and happy that you found somebody who makes you smile on a regular basis...oh i gotta give a shout out to the pizza that i had last night too...it was the perfect culmination of a night that i never thought i would ever have...that shit was crazy!!!

i also got to see a layer of somebody who i have total respect for, that i never thought i would see...i find it incredibly interesting, the layers that we possess...and the layers that only arise at times of struggle, or at times of brief weakness...i mean, it doesn't mean we are weak or misguided as a whole, but in those short burst of time the layers glow like fireflys in the night; and its beautiful...i can't tell you how liberating it is to hear somebodies true opinion on a topic of life...no bullshit, no sensor, just their true feelings...that shit will wake you up like caffeine...and i appreciate the trust to allow me to be that listener...venting is a powerful thing...its like water being held in place by a damn, but having that damn break away...an unstobble force, it just flows out until their is equilibrium...i encourage it...in fact i want to swim in that equilibrium, breath it in...i want it to seep into my pores and surrond my soul and whisper sweat nothings in my ear as i fall asleep...i want it to lead the charge while i say all the things i am too scared to say...if only we had more time.

m.

lost in music.

its been awhile, i apologize.

this past week has been a tad lonely with my rommie being super busy and not seeing her much...i gotta master the being alone thing on my nights again...its a different dynamic and it kind of catches you off guard at first...but, the best things often rise from the worst situations...this past weekend, i got into some drinking and started writing and recording some music and i found it incredibily satisfying...it was the first time in a long time that i completely lost myself in something...running used to do that for me, but as i mentioned before i am on a little bit of a hiatus...so, writing and recording was a blessing this weekend...it is incredible to put something in motion and then sit back and watch it spin...this is something i am really excited about exploring and i think it could be something that will really help me through the whole running break...i am not sure if i can post anything on this blog, but when i have something complete that i feel merrits being posted on the internet i will figure something out...there are no lyrics right now, that may or may not change...i haven't mastered the art of recorded my voice yet so that could take some time...i found it quite interesting to compare the music that i created to the type of music i listen to...in a way it was completely different, but in another way it was just layers of different influences all mashed together...by no means am i a musician who is creating some sort of masterpiece, but its a creation and it is rewarding, challenging and just plain enjoyable and i look forward to more of it.

last night i was out celebrating australia day which was great fun...it was sort of inspiring to be around people who are just travelling and living life to the fullest, not caring about anything else but the present...it help put things in perspective for me...i mean it didn't change my life or anything, but it was interesting to see the difference between these people and the people i interact with on a regular basis...here's to the travellers.

i would still have to say that i am struggling with things, a few things, key points...but the sun still rises and sets each day with no sigh of slowing so that news is good news...ill keep chugging along, just to see what happens and where this train brings me...it should be exciting.

m.

music isn't dead.

i am getting bored with 'people' saying that the fans are killing the music industry by downloading shit for free...what is suppose to drive me to buy a band's cd? so i can put money into the pockets of the idiots that run their label...that sounds like fun...if i was a band i would release some kind of financial statement to my fans spelling out how their money is going to help me...i hear from some bands that they make almost no money of cd sales, that is why they tour...i am not sure if that is true, but perhaps i will look into some research to discover the real truth...if it is true, i feel no remorse for taking what is on the internet because i would gladly pay 30 or 40 dollars to see a band i like in a live setting...what i don't like and won't do is buy fucking tickets at three times the price from some idiot with a high speed internet connection that buys a bunch of tickets and sells them after the show is sold out...i think the music industry is in shambles and all your hear is negative from labels, but the one shining light is that bands still release solid shit...i have faith in the world that if you produce a quality sound, you will be fine...so until i discover the truth, i say download as much as you can and let the executives cry about only making a few million in profit instead of a few hundred million...but, be sure to support your fav bands when they come around...sing their songs and show them love, that will keep music alive.

m.

open spaces create an echo.

things are as bad as they seem.

but atleast failure is movement, because stagnation is death...if we don't move we don't learn...achievement is bullshit, who remembers anyways...i don't fear failure, i embrace it with open arms...i am so tired of all this potential shit...people waste potential everyday...mediocrity, thats just boring, i far from that...i excel...i excel at falling short, arriving two minutes too late and opening my eyes after the light has passed...definition who needs it, we just forget anyways...call me what you want...when all your goals are scartched out as impossible and your pencil is broken how do you set knew ones...memory? good luck with that...maybe someday i will change the definition of that word...make it mean something different...until then the silence is my torture and what i have to say just doesn't fill it.

m.

just a small piece.

yesterday was not a great day, but i recovered...a little music, some comforting words from a friend and i think i have an idea on how to right the ship...i have fallen off the wagon a bit and just haven't had the motivation to get back on...sometimes it just seems there are so many steps and that not taking any would be much easier...but then that would be just giving up right! and life just isn't worth giving up on, no matter the damage sustained...maybe its a question about physics...just like pushing a heavy ball, it takes much more force to get the ball started, to overcome the initial friction and mass, but once moving things will just fall into place.

the thing is when i think about it, i do it to myself...certain decisions that i make chip away at my base, but i continue to make them because i am not ready to let it go...like i said in a previous post, maybe that is just a personality flaw, and maybe its just because i believe in the greater power of the world and that things come around full circle...how do you cut ties with something that you need to make sure is true, but every time you check to make sure it is staying true a small piece of you dies...thats one i will have to work on...until the future.

m.

if only the dots weren't travelling at the speed of light.

does anybody else feel like you were born as some type of alien? that you just don't quite fit into the slots allocated for human life? where your life teters on the brink of exclusion?

where do we fit in? are we lepers? have we been deligated to sit in the shaded area while everybody else is allowed to play?

lately, i have been feeling a little bit on the outside. like i was cast out of the group, but with no real explanation why. almost like i am staring through foggy glass; able to see shapes and outlines and moving objects, but not able to make out the actual actions.

maybe its just a phase, a journey, once completed, will teach me a great lesson...until then i will keep my eyes peeled for stars because i am feeling like an astronaut floating through space...i have a beautiful view of the world, i just can't seem to enjoy it.

m.

letting it go, yes or no?

this weekend was relaxing...got to chat with a few friends, fixed up the new/used guitar, caught a couple of movies and toured a bit around the community...on saturday i set out on foot to run a few errands and what i got along the way was a lot of day dreaming...there were signs for the lottery at 22 million everywhere and it was pretty fun to imagine what i would do...i find it interesting that whenever i daydream about winning lots of money it never involves buying a lot of stuff...the most prominent theme of my current fantasy was picking up an R.V. and just road tripping around the continent with my friends...hitting up different places to run and seeing the country side in a close up personal way...i wonder what your daydreams and fantasy say about you as a person...is it a foreshadow for the future, somehow explaining my inner layers through the actions i would take with 22 million dollars...i think there are some lessons hidden in our dreams and our fantasies that we should pay attention to, perhaps those lessons will guide us to making our dreams become reality.

one thing that also hit me hard as i was walking through the streets of vancouver is why as humans we get so angry...i saw a driver make an obvious traffic violation, a poor decision on all parts...but what transpired after sort of blew my mind...the person behind this driver was furious and took to shouting and speeding ahead of the original driver...i was on the opposite side of 4 lanes of traffic and I could hear the man cursing like he wanted to killed the driver that had made the mistake...and all i could think was why? why do we take those little things so personally, and why do we allow them to boil our blood so fast? by no means was it a personal slight to the driver, but yet he took it that way and became almost violent, out of control...over what, a few lost seconds? where is the logic here? i think as humans we waste a lot of time and energy being angry over the smallest things...are we building resentment and bitterness through our life, allowing those demons to grow inside of us before letting them out every time we feel slighted in the least...perhaps that is it...instead of dealing with each of our problems with jam them into a bottle so tight until the lid explodes and we show the world what has been hiding the whole time...i understand anger is a form of expression; its part of life...but i say we try not to let it overcome us, especially in situations that don't merit it.

like i said before, i fixed up the guitar i bought for 25 bones...it now plays pretty good and it even plugs into my amp which is exciting...but, as i was telling a friend, i get a little sad each time i play it because i think of my first guitar, the original...playing guitar has become a great part of my life and to be forced to say goodbye to one has been a little bit of a struggle...but perhaps this guitar will bring out new things from inside me, new words and new sounds...and that is defintely something to look forward to...this friend told me that she wasn't suprised that i was sad because i have trouble letting go of things...i wonder if that is true for all things or just things that i truely care about...i guess we will see.

m.

they may be invisible to my eyes, but not to my soul.

so what do we all do during times of hardship? do you turn to family, friends? maybe you work it off or hit the gym looking for some kind of release...obviously for me i generally turn to running and just push it away...the the pavement seep it out the my feet and that way my brain has no chance to process it...but, things are no longer transpiring in such a manner...maybe my brain finally caught onto the game that the rest of my body was playing and put a halt to things...i am 90 percent sure i am going to take a significant break from running to try and heal my body because it is far from healthy and i would just be stupid to continue the way i am...obviously i will seek other forms of exercise to stay in shape during this time, but i know that it is going to be a struggle...vancouver has politely showed me how much i really love running...there were days that i would return from work in no mood to really do anything, but 5 minutes into a run and i felt on top of the world...the feeling you get when you are soaring down a deserted road, the wind brushing by your face like a pair of soft fingers, can't be beaten on the best of days...i could get lost in the sound of my feet pounding against the road like a metronome, it was magical, like a orchestra of a 1000 people all playing in perfect harmony...but that must be put on hold for the greater good and for the future...i will seek treatment and opinions from the skilled people in this world and hopefully come back stronger...so now the question is where to turn for release?

music?

last night i discovered how much i miss listening to music...i mean the music never stopped, but i think i stopped listening for awhile...each song is like a painting...some people see the painting and simply see different colours of paint...but others, well they see a vision, they see a message that was painted specifically for them...and that is how i used to feel when i listened to music, i would lay in my bed sometimes alone, sometimes not and just enjoy the songs and how they came together to create an atmosphere of sound waves...i will use this to help me get through these tough times, because that is my roots...i remember when i first heard brand new, the band that i consider closes to my heart...i piece of me changed forever and i loved that...i have listened to those songs 1000's of times now since first hearing them and still love them...it is pretty tough to top that...so heres to therapy through music and letting each note and chord send you a message...i know thats what i will be doing.

m.

its a taste that will never get old.

its time.

so after much blank time, i am back full of reflection and slightly altered views on this life we all are living...i haven't posted since i traveled back to ontario for the holidays and what a trip that was...i struggled with the thought that is was a bit of a disaster, the trip that is, but then i realized that on this page we look in the positive direction, not the negative...my trip began with a snow storm that rocked vancouver like a brand new concert and it took them weeks to recover...i was late getting to the airport because the cab driver could barely reach 40 km/h on main roads due to the snow piles that had accumulated...but no worries, i didn't miss my flight due to the fact that it was 7 hours delayed...i thought the wait in the airport would be painful and drag on, but in fact it was an experience that i will never forget...i find in incredibly interesting how stress out people get when they are travelling...why is that? aren't we usually going to a better place when we travel, or atleast to see people we love...shouuldn't that be an exciting time...i mean all the kids we excited, running around and screaming while they waited...having the time of their lives...why don't the adults act like that? is there an age you reach when you lose your ability to be excited, you lose your ability to adapt to situations and instead of rolling with the situation you just get upset or sad, or worst of all mad...and not mad any anybody because there is nobody really to blame, but just mad in general at life because it didn't quite go your way...lets try to work on that folks, myself included.

anyways, once i finally did arrive in ontario, the trip was filled with learning experiences...oh by the way, once the plane got in the air the flight was beautiful...the skies were super clear and i could see all the lights and all the cars that looks like little ants scurrying about trying to perfect their lives...the best part was when we got to the great lakes, i am not sure which one it was but since it was so clear and all the lights were shining so bright when i could see the water it looked as if the world had ended...the water was so dark and the contrast between all the wasted light from the city was nothing short of amazing...i wish i could have had a picture of that...the blackness looked so peaceful and i wanted to just dive into it and absorb the lack of energy...be competely still and just love that...perhaps one day...so while i was in ontario i got to see all kind of different relationships, which i thought was one of the best things about the trips, i met with my grandparents who have been together for 53 years...which hit me like a tons of bricks and i thought that was beyond incredible...in a world where the divorce rate is so high, that was sort of amazing to hear...my grandma had shown me a scrap book she made with each page being a year of their marraige and i thought that was super cool...i think i gained an extra bit of rescpect for love at that moment that i will never lose...i also saw all kinds of dysfunction and realized that it really isn't dysfunction at all...anybody who claims to have a 'normal' relationship i think in a little delusional...because when it comes to relationships and love its the imperfections that make it perfect...since i had time on my hands i got a chance to observe the people around me and i just found it really intersting how each couple functions in a different way...those in love, i salute you, dysfunction for life!

so that about takes us into the new year and new years was pretty great...oh christmas was relaxing, it was nice to not have any hype or craziness...a nice little morning, a great dinner and some fam...solid...plus i got to see the bailster and she is a creation that rivals the sun in spectacle...what a sight to see a little human, learning and growing right in front of your eyes...i swear they get brighter by the minute...and what a responsibility, if i ever have a child i may wrap her in bubble wrap at all times just for added protection...haha...no, but that child is a bundle of joy...cheers to S and J...so back to new years, it was also great because it was low key, no expectation and i was basically an unattached observer who got to jam out to rock band...i mean you can get much better than that...there was a bit of drama, but nothing that couldn't be handled with some good avoidance and it all blew over in the morning...i did realize that some people can just be childs sometimes, which is really sad...and i don't mean childesh fun, i mean acting like are back in the single digits...lets get over that, or just put in an effort...cool.

so finally i finish the craziness that was ontario and i am ready to board my flight when the lovely west jet employee tells me there is a change of plans...yes i was denied due to some downsizing of the plane...i didnt even realize they could do that...anyways, turns out i got a huge credit and i got to due it up in toronto for the night...it pretty much worked out to be better than originally planned...so i toured, got some beer into me, lot a cell phone, used what seemed like a designer bathroom and got into some ikea with kyur-e-us...all and all a solid extra day.

so after all this i would finally get on a plane back to vancouver, delayed again, but that was the theme so i wasn't too upset...in fact i never really got upset the whole trip...i mean i didn't really accomplish too much, but it was a great time just because it was good times all the time...thanks to everybody that helped get me around you all were a big help.

so i think that will be all for today, obviously i only touch on the surface, but i am sure lots more will come out as i continue to write in further posts...i did want to mention that i was force to say goodbye to a member of my life who was dear to my heart....my guitar.

yes, west jet failed me this time and my guitar didn't make the trip back in one piece...when i realized i wasn't really sure what to think...part of me wanted to cry because i had been through a lot with that guitar...it was my first, the one i learned on, the one i wrote my first song on...but just like anything else it didn't stop the sun from rising the next morning...so i moved on...i will now just wait until i can buy a new and hope that the new one will give me as much or more as my original...if anything i would have to say the theme of the trip was just that...time moves forward, period...nasty things happen, you cry, you feel like shit and theirs times when you just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until you don't feel anymore...but the reality is, you can't...time is relentless...and what we don't know is that is passes to help us, not hinder us...it time stopped everytime it rained, well it would be raining all the time...so i say, thank you time, thank you for the little shove, thanks for advancing my life because every push forward means your closer to whatever you are trying to reach...that very thing may be moving as well, but atleast you are putting in the effort and time is there to keep you honest, keep you aware, teaching you that life goes on no matter the circumstance...teaching you that your time on this earth is limited, but with that limited time you can really make a life of it....tick tock.

m.

oh the running is sort of sputtering lately due to some unwanted pain...going to investigate and will upate next time. its good to be back.