plants.

today i wonder who has seen true emotion...and i don't know how many people read this, but i can guarantee a lot of you...maybe it is not true emotion i am looking for, but true love...who has seen it...please stand up, if you are so brave...trueness, is that a word, i doubt it, but who really cares at this point...man, can you learn a lifetime about yourself in a moment of truth...what do you do in that moment, what do you say...what if, in that moment there is nothing to say, what if in that moment you have no control over anything that happens...do you flee? do you abandon everything you believe in? i must stand tall in that moment, i must hold my ground, or i will have lost.

i must open my eyes when the other pair of eyes are staring at me...waiting for me to lead the way...can i lead? should i beign a sentence? should i capalize? do i derserve this life? who says i am great? who says i am worthy?

that would be me.

today i realized that despite all of the flaws and all of the mistakes, despite all of the tears and sadness, despite all of the pain poured out onto the floor, a heart that is true does not lie...and perhaps fear dictacts this path, this portion of life, but in the end, a true beleif, a true faith, an undenible hope deserves a chance to grow...and grow it will.

m.

the force of giving.

i love winter...it is beautiful...ya it makes running pretty tough and driving pretty dangerous, but it also makes you feel alive...snow reminds me how endless the world's possibilities are...how many great things are out there left to explore...sometimes i think i have things figured out and the snow reminds me i really know nothing and that i should be excited about that...i love to learn new things about myself, listen to what other people say and think and let that seep into my brain and really sift through the details...i enjoy that influence, especially when it leads to making me a better person...the snow really enforces my new found passion for beleiving...its a concrete example that there is a bigger purpose for us all and that things happen for a reason and eventually, if you really beleive, things will work out for the best...and even though that may not be exactly what you want at the time, it is for the best and you will realize that it is for the best...you just gotta beleive.

so there is atleast a foot of snow here in vancouver and it has made running a bit difficult so i will be resting a day or two becasue i felt a pretty sharp pain in my right calf the other day...so what better time to rest.

yesterday i finally understood the gift of giving...it trumps recieving any day...when you hear true appreciation and joy because of something that you gave, i mean you can't get a feeling much better than that...recieving gifts is great, who doesn't like that, but i encourage everybody to give a gift...what you recieve in return will light your life for days.

m.

nancy drew meets MGMT.

it only took one minute of radio listening this morning to know it was going to be a good day...oh and a few listens of weekend wars by MGMT...the radio clip was hilarious and had me laughing out loud and struck me with a sense of excitment...just like i posted before (i think), i was given the advice to not take life too seriously...oh how the world works in circles...this is what i really need in midst of a few down running days due to the snow and the lack of ideal traction...but don't fret, i know i have like 1000 weeks until the race...wait, NO I DO NOT, but what are you gonna do...atleast the weeks won't be running around bumping into each other...thank the calender gods for that...i cut my workout short last night and will lose about 10 miles this week overall, but i am not too worried...i will still hit over 70 which is still solid...perhaps i got a little ambitious anyways...i will keep you posted.

one thing this winter wonderland has brought are clear skies which provide great inspiration when your mind is working overtime...perhaps the vancouver skies paint a metaphor for life...during the clear skies, the good times, the view of the mountains is undeniable...it just makes you want to climb them, be close to them, conquer them and then reflect on a great journey...during overcast skies, the bad times, you see nothing, ambition is lost and you just go along your way without any real feeling of better yourself. so now life, when things are going well, there are no obstacles...the ups and downs are part of the excitment and we are always looking for the next challenge to conquer...but when the rain comes and the room closes in, we, well i, sometimes allow ourselves to drown...why? those mountains are still there to climb, they might not look as beautiful, or glamous and the climb up may not be as fun, but when we reach the top the accomplishment is just the same. i must seek out the obstacles and conquer them, not wait until they find me and let them defeat...i will find them!

an easy 8 miles tonight, 10 tomorrow and another long run on sunday...not sure where i am going to explore this weekend, but it should be fun...be safe in all this winter wonderfulness and enjoy the snow.

m.

reflection or rejection.

'let it snow' the vancouver sky screamed out...and so it did...12 miles through fresh snow makes for one tough run, but fun none the less...it was nice last night to just run, kind of explore and not worry about the pace at all because it was pointless...the lack of traction made things slow, but i liked it...yesterday i only worked a half day so i got some time to relax, which was nice because sometimes i feel that i am getting a little run down...'run through it' is what i am constantly hearing in my head...those wise words come from a fellow by the name of bruce denton...and although he is not actually a real person, he is one of the most wise fake people i know!! i didn't end of doing a work out on tuesday because i sort of got lost in a new area and i slipped on the ice and my left thigh took a beating...so i just called it a day...i can make up the few miles i lost at a later date...so things are winding down here before christmas and i am excited to head back to ontario and see some people...i am looking forward to seeing some really old friends and see how their lives have evolved since we last spoke...and i think it will be cool to get in a few runs in lindsay where my running career actually started...oh those were the days, a young teenager, invincible to the world, and possessing all the speed i could handle...things have changed but i still love to run and it will be cool to hit some spots that i used to hit when i was a kid...anyways, i am sorry to disappoint with my lack of entries, the motivation to reflect has been captured by the snowflakes...i will return in all my glory soon.

i did realize though, 'reflection on the negative isn't negative in itself. reflection is the positive that rises out of the negative. reflection makes the negative meaningful. reflection is the key component of the negative. because without the reflection, the negative is just wrong.'

m.

buried alive.

today was a shitty day...a day that should have been celebrated is not cemented and thrown to the bottom of the ocean...today my eyes were closed and my ears were shut...today i heard nothing and a saw nothing...today i lived, but didn't exist, didn't progress, didn't achieve...today i took steps backward, forgot how to move forward...today i was not me.

but, i was told this blog should be positive...stop harping on the negative...so, today the metaphorical shovel works overtime.

m.

insert your addiction here.

'i admire your dedication,' she says.
'well, its more of an addiction,' is his reply.

am i dedicated to my addiction or am i addicted to my dedication. do i seek help for either case or do i just wonder...perhaps that is the real addiction.

m.

for the love, the feeling and the defeat.

today as i ran down boundary road hill it struck me how much i love to run...running is like your best friend who is there through the good and bad...its my foundation and my rock as i continue living my life for the better...i set out on my 18 miler today knowing that i was going to finish but not knowing where i was going to travel along the way and that was exciting...i decided to run into north vancouver and explore what that suburb has to offer...i found lots of rolling hills and less traffic and some great views of the mountains and the water...it was one of the best runs i have had since i was in vancouver...it hit me today that i can explore a lot of ground as i cover these great distances and that is what i plan on doing each week from here on out...i train to be better, to be a great runner and achieve goals that i set out for myself, but i run because i love the feeling that i get as my body propels itself down the road...i often find myself absorbed in moments while i am running...i catch myself staring at my feet as they work in rhythm, so graceful and elegant...i got thrown around a bit by the hilling terrain today, but i am getting stronger and am handling the inclines and declines much better...i think i will be prepared for the terrain at boston.

i finished my first official week of an actual schedule for boston on saturday, totalling 78 miles...it was a good week...two good workouts and a nice long run that went down in windsor...my body is feeling okay, although a little tired, i think this is a very positive start...if i can continue to build off this week i am confident i will run well at boston...i know that there is tons of time before the race and anything can happen but i am positive at this moment and taking it day by day, mile by mile.

i am relly looking forward to getting back to ontario for the holidays, i can't wait to see the little bailster and see how much she has grown...what an amazing phenomenon, child birth and growth...i can barely fathom what it might feel like...i am also looking forward to seeing all the rest of my family and relaxing for a bit...it should be a good trip.

finally, i want to give a shout out to Drew Rankin...he is officially going to gradute his master's and i couldn't be more proud...i know it took incredible dedication and perceiverance to achieve what you did...you are truely one of my greatest heroes and i know we will be friends for life...good job buddy.

i leave you with some advice that was recently given to me...'make sure you have some fun...don't take life too seriously.'

m.

i can see the future.

this morning while i was showing the toilet who is boss i realized something...i can see the future...i may not be able to predict the future, predict the winner of the super bowl or boston marathon...i may not be able to tell you what the weather is going to be like on your vacation to mexico or what stocks to buy to make the most profit...but i can see the future, my future...i can see myself feeding my addiction, my addiction to the chemical bond between rubber and pavement...i can see myself devoting my energy to my little neice and future neices and nephews...i can see myself mending relationships that i thought were lost forever...i can see myself waking up to the person i love, i can see myself holding a child that i helped create...i can see myself smiling as i live...i can see the future; i can see my future and it is comforting, it is exciting...i can't tell you the time when any of this is going to happen but i can see it and if i focus really hard i can feel it.

i can see my future...i hope you can see yours too.

m.

when you mistake chef for chief and your like 'i'm dumb'.

yesterday was a good day...up early to feel the crisp cool air, and then off to work where i actually felt i achieved something...i am really busy at work right now but i really put in 8 good hours and accomplished tons, it made me feel great...it made me feel valuable...i don't always get that feeling...and then the cell phone waves gave me a huge pickup to lead me into a 6 mile tempo...now i didn't really know what to expect from the tempo, i hadn't done one yet that i really committed to...i found a little back road that is about a mile long so an out and back would be two miles...it was far from flat but the hills were manageable...so a couple of warmup miles and i was ready to see what i could do...now anybody who was done a workout with me knows that i am a champion to start, a little to much, and often fizzle out towards the end because i went out to hard...i was determined not to do that, but old habits die hard...so i thought i would start around 630's and see how i could improve each mile...instead i went out at 6o5 pace...mind you the first quarter mile was slightly downhill and my adrenaline was rushing through my veins like oil through a pipeline, but none the less, i was a little worried the first time i looked down at my watch...so the first mile went through at 611 and i was feeling good...it was great to get up to speed and carry that speed over some distance...the rest of the workout was incredibly consistent and i kept all miles under 620...i was really focusing on not lulling during the middle miles because i tend to do that...i finished feeling like i was about to suffucate but extremely proud of what i had accomplished...i have barely started the build up for boston but that was a great workout to build off...overall i averaged 610's and basically set a new pb for the 10k...i am not sure if i had an extra boost or something but i sort of felt like superman out on the road...i was taking in huge amounts of oxygen at times but i never felt that irresistable urge to slow down...that is a good sign...i had a angel riding a bike in front of me last night...i hope she stays.

there are all these snow warnings here in vancouver and everybody is in a frenzy...i will keep you posted on the circus as it seems the city goes into a mild shock if it gets hit with the white stuff...apperently they have never lived in a normal canadian city...good luck vancouverians (that is just embarresing having wrote that...i got nothing).

m.

oh and read this story it is great.

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--12984-0,00.html

one thousandth of a second.

this morning i read that the new ustaf president was an olympic hopeful in her track days...she was a hurdler, and a very good one at that...she won the us olympic trials in 1984 and was heading to her dream, only to hear that the usa was boycotting those olympics...how crushing that would be to work so hard to accomplish your goals and then once you have accomplished them find out you cannot actually reap the benefits...but that didn't stop her, come back in another four years right...so another olympic trials and this time come through the finish line at the same time as three others..who is it going to be? then find out that you missed your dream by one thousandth of a second...can you imagine, top three go to the olympics and you placed four by one thousandth of a second...that amount of time isn't barely comprehensable...i mean we barely live our lives by minutes; most of time measuring in hours or even days...i think that must have been devestating but it seems to have made her a better person for it...after those set of circumstances how could you not beleive that the world had a greater purpose...and i guess now she is serving that purpose...good for her.

hammered out 10 miles last night at a steady pace along the hilly roadside of boundary road...i have grown to like that route because it gives me a great challenge of hills and flat sections...the road travels down the ridge of the landscape so on clear nights you get a great view of the mountains and the cities across the water...i got into a nice groove the last few miles while i was dreaming of winning the lottery...i always love when that happens on a run becuase you just lose miles and dont even realize that you are running...it is amazing how powerful the mind is sometimes...i have really regained my love and passion for running over the past couple of months and i couldn't be more excited...its my drug of choice and often the best part of my day...i can't wait to race again to see how well i am responding to the training, but that won't be for atleast a month i think...plus i can't get ahead of myself, taking it day by day, mile by mile.

on a final note, this morning as i was trotting through the vancouver streets i saw somebody with a stainless steel pot on their head...i thought that is pretty strange, they must be confused, until i realized it rains so much here...no water is pentrating that material.
note to self: buy large pot this weekend, ensure dimensions are suited for my rather large skull.

m.

the sleeping city.

one thing that was so great about mornings in windsor is that the city was barely awake...i know i didn't experience that many mornings, but when i did, there was a calm as i ran through the streets...it was peaceful and inspiring knowing that everybody in the city had a mutual ritual; rest...however, this city of vancouver, that is not the case...this being my first morning, i don't want to jump to conclusions, but i was hoping that the streets would be sleeping at 530 in the morning, but it felt like rush hour...cars wizzing by and the sky train humming, it made my morning trott a little less enjoyable...perhaps i will get used to it, or maybe its just the area, but in the mornings i wanna hear the earth breathing...i yern for the quiet where my soul can leak out of my body, seep into the ground and re-engize itself...that was not the case this morning...it makes me a little sad, like this busy socitey that exists has lost the ability to rest...isn't that how we heal? everybody needs to heal sometime.

last night i hammered out a 8 mile fartlek and it was really great...some tough stretches but i was able to nail down for hard intervals all under 610 miles. i did
1 mile easy
1/2 easy - 1/2 hard
1 easy - 1 hard
1 easy - 1 hard
1/2 easy - 1/2 hard
1 mile cool

i have really been enjoying this type of workout as it is non stop and i try to keep the easy intervals steady...doing full mile intervals is tough in my area because it is impossible not to hit a pretty decent hill...although the first hard 1/2 was pretty fun because it was down hill and i was hitting 520's...i felt like superman, just gliding along the pavement, speeding up my turnover and breathing easy...almost felt invicible...i really want to make boston an experience, i want to make it count...actually i want to make my whole life count and if running has taught me anything, its that you have to devote your whole self into achieving your goals...and my current goal is to live life, enjoy life, make it real and make it full of love...so i am diving in, expecting there to be some mountains to climb and preparing my gear...the sun shines the brightest when your eyes are open, so why walk through life with them closed.

m.

donated eyes.

there was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. she hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. he was always there for her. she told her boyfriend,

'if i could only see the world, i will marry you.'

one day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
he asked her,

'now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'

the girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. the sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. the thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:

'take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

this is how the human brain often works when our status changes. only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

life is a gift

today before you say an unkind word - think of someone who can't speak.
before you complain about the taste of your food - think of someone who has nothing to eat.
before you complain about your husband or wife - think of someone who's crying for a companion.
today before you complain about life - think of someone who went too early to heaven.
before whining about the distance you drive - think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
when you are tired and complain about your job - think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
and when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.



my grandmother sent this to me and it really made me think. i encourage everybody to read it and let it inspire you becuase i know it has inspired me. make your life worth living, but actually living it; that statement could actually save your life!

m.

lets call it living, not dying

so i am back in vancouver and back to my blog after a great trip home...saw all my friends and accomplished what i had been conceptualizing for a long time now...it was such a great feeling do that after just weeks of thinking...our thoughts are only thoughts until they are put into action, put into reality and allowed to grow and flourish...even if those thoughts are spoken, but the words are left to just mix with the molecules of the air and drift away, they mean nothing...i am focused now on taking those thoughts and using them as motivation to actually have my goals and dreams come true...that my friends is moving forward, being a better person and that is what i need and want to get back too...because that is what i missed the most...the inspiration to be a better person...i think i learned a lot about faith this weekend...being so far away in vancouver, it is hard to always see stuff back home, but that is what faith is all about, believing in something you can't see...i have always admired people with great faith and never quite understood it...and by no means am i am zen master after only a few days, but i know that i posses faith and it is growing inside me...my hope is the water and my belief in myself is the food that will fire the groth of this faith...somebody close to me this weekend told me that life isn't hard, you just do it...if it is part of life and the right thing to do then you just do it...i mean obviously sometimes it is going to be a struggle along the way, but never hard...and i really related to that because some of the big things that i was going home to do this weekend might have been view as really hard...but in my heart and my soul i knew it was the right thing to do so it was so hard after all...thank you masked wise one, i have much to learna and it excites me that i can learn from you.

so it was tough to leave, after having such a great time and feeling like that was my home again after only a few days it made me pretty sad...but to take the positive i know i have formed some relationships that are going to be with me forever and that is a really exciting feeling...knowing that those people are going to be by your side through the darkess of times and through the best of times...it is completly comforting, it actually makes me feel much safer in my own life...if i have learned anything from vancouver is that you can't do it alone and you can't run away from you life because it always catches up with you...and why i wanted to run away i am not sure, but the point is i have turned around and i am running back...i am running with shoes of greatness, painting the path as i travel...there will be no looking back after this point and think i made negative decisions or i wasn't confronting life...i will look back upon this path and it will glow, it will be the light that guides me along all new and unmarked parts of the path...i have a newly defined shining star...and every now and then when i am down and i think i will never get up it will wink...it will let me know i am never alone and i hope, i know that will give me the strength to carry on...it will give me the strength to be the man i want to be...it will give me the strength to live.

m.

prepare for an eclipse and you get a sunset.

im heading home...ya i can say home because home is where the heart is, right? the instruments are lined up, the players are polished, and audience waits and now all i need to do is conduct...the show must go on, with critics watching...words are just words, just letters patch together to form some meaning, until you put an action to those words...its the final countdown, my heart beats faster than ever before, jumping from my chest and reaching for the sky...prepare for an eclipse and you get a sunset, prepare to walk in shadows and you will get a spotlight, prepare to smile and tears will flow...there is no preparation when the execution is impossible...you simply must beleive...follow your heart it will never leave you a stray.

post a comment if you are in windsor and wanna say whats up over the next couple of days...cheers to a new life.

m.

time will tell.

honestly time couldn't pass any slower...are the seconds being dragged through mud or are we just running out of gas? its like the coefficient of friction between my life and time has been multiplied by 100 so it can barely move along, dragging and scratching its way to a finale that could produce fireworks or just produce a fire; burning all remains to ash...in any case, my brain is going crazy...i am weaving like a spider, strings of thoughts overlapping to form webs of confusion...if only i had a crystal ball, all this anticipation could be cured...but wait, what am i am saying, the anticipation is the fun...not knowing whether you are going to win or lose...thats why you play the game...no matter what the odds, on the right day, all the right conditions, anybody can win!!

crazy sore today, did a real easy five miles yesterday which helped a bit...but this whole week will be easy...just some nice steady runs, get my legs back...it will be weird to run in windsor again, my old stomping grounds...like quenton cassidy returning to his old battle grounds...oh the nostalgia!!! but it will be good to get out with some old running friends...ill be sure to bring my tights!!

not sure if i have mentioned but i started watching the show dexter and i officially addicted...it is a very intelligent show and very humerous in a non traditional way...it is a great change from the today's modern tv show...although i love the teenage drama, sometimes it is nice to watch something a little different...i highly recommend it to anybody with some time to kill...you would have to catch up on like 30 epidsodes, but it would be worth it!!!

my final thought is about fear...it seems to be seeping into me lately and often i have trouble fighting it off...why am i so scared? i am scared to fail? scared to admit that i have already failed? or am i afraid that if i achieve i won't know how to handle that achievment? time will tell, it always does.

m.

missing.

it's looking like a limb torn off
or altogether just taken apart

something is missing today, searching to find it...my eyes feel fine, so why is it that i am all of a sudden colour blind...something is missing...i will find it, i will....

m.

not much insight here.

hey, whats up people? today i woke up pretty sore from a tough 16 miler i did yesterday...my legs were pretty tired and i broke down mentally with about 3 miles to go as i was trekking uphill to my place...although at times i felt beaten down and totally out of it on the run, it was a great learning experience for my body...i hadn't really put myself through a really tough long run yet so atleast i got that out of the way...and i still posted a decent pace considering the terrain and circumstances so overall it was a good day...i have to admit i was angry with my mother the whole run because for some reason she created me with a gimpy right ear that cannot hold a headphone for its life...i enjoy listening to music while running, especially on solo long runs, but i hate the fact that is always falls out of my right ear...so frustrating...in a world of technology that can give us nuclear bombs, electrics cars and jumbo jets, you would think there would be a pair of headphones that would stay in my ears...what a life!!! i ended up taking them out and was much happier, left to my thoughts to entertain me for 2 hours...its cool, i got by!!!

so it has been revealed that i am returning to windsor for a visit in a few days and i am very excited...i haven't seen most of my friends and family for almost six months and i really miss them...i think the support of the people that you care for in your every day life is something i took advantage of and maybe didn't soak up enough in the past...it really hits you hard when you don't have it and it hits you harder when you know you won't have it for while...so i intend to make the best out of the trip and enjoy it to the fullest...watch out windsor, here i come!!

so i think that is it for today, i apologize for no insighful thoughts, but i am prett tired and a man has gotta take a break some time...i hopeful that the next three days don't drag on as i wait for my vacation, but if they do i am sure i will pass the time with a few posts...stay strong and look tot he stars for wisdom...i am striving for positive thoughts, seeing my future and trying to make it happen...i hope you are all doing the same.

m.