plants.

today i wonder who has seen true emotion...and i don't know how many people read this, but i can guarantee a lot of you...maybe it is not true emotion i am looking for, but true love...who has seen it...please stand up, if you are so brave...trueness, is that a word, i doubt it, but who really cares at this point...man, can you learn a lifetime about yourself in a moment of truth...what do you do in that moment, what do you say...what if, in that moment there is nothing to say, what if in that moment you have no control over anything that happens...do you flee? do you abandon everything you believe in? i must stand tall in that moment, i must hold my ground, or i will have lost.

i must open my eyes when the other pair of eyes are staring at me...waiting for me to lead the way...can i lead? should i beign a sentence? should i capalize? do i derserve this life? who says i am great? who says i am worthy?

that would be me.

today i realized that despite all of the flaws and all of the mistakes, despite all of the tears and sadness, despite all of the pain poured out onto the floor, a heart that is true does not lie...and perhaps fear dictacts this path, this portion of life, but in the end, a true beleif, a true faith, an undenible hope deserves a chance to grow...and grow it will.

m.

the force of giving.

i love winter...it is beautiful...ya it makes running pretty tough and driving pretty dangerous, but it also makes you feel alive...snow reminds me how endless the world's possibilities are...how many great things are out there left to explore...sometimes i think i have things figured out and the snow reminds me i really know nothing and that i should be excited about that...i love to learn new things about myself, listen to what other people say and think and let that seep into my brain and really sift through the details...i enjoy that influence, especially when it leads to making me a better person...the snow really enforces my new found passion for beleiving...its a concrete example that there is a bigger purpose for us all and that things happen for a reason and eventually, if you really beleive, things will work out for the best...and even though that may not be exactly what you want at the time, it is for the best and you will realize that it is for the best...you just gotta beleive.

so there is atleast a foot of snow here in vancouver and it has made running a bit difficult so i will be resting a day or two becasue i felt a pretty sharp pain in my right calf the other day...so what better time to rest.

yesterday i finally understood the gift of giving...it trumps recieving any day...when you hear true appreciation and joy because of something that you gave, i mean you can't get a feeling much better than that...recieving gifts is great, who doesn't like that, but i encourage everybody to give a gift...what you recieve in return will light your life for days.

m.

nancy drew meets MGMT.

it only took one minute of radio listening this morning to know it was going to be a good day...oh and a few listens of weekend wars by MGMT...the radio clip was hilarious and had me laughing out loud and struck me with a sense of excitment...just like i posted before (i think), i was given the advice to not take life too seriously...oh how the world works in circles...this is what i really need in midst of a few down running days due to the snow and the lack of ideal traction...but don't fret, i know i have like 1000 weeks until the race...wait, NO I DO NOT, but what are you gonna do...atleast the weeks won't be running around bumping into each other...thank the calender gods for that...i cut my workout short last night and will lose about 10 miles this week overall, but i am not too worried...i will still hit over 70 which is still solid...perhaps i got a little ambitious anyways...i will keep you posted.

one thing this winter wonderland has brought are clear skies which provide great inspiration when your mind is working overtime...perhaps the vancouver skies paint a metaphor for life...during the clear skies, the good times, the view of the mountains is undeniable...it just makes you want to climb them, be close to them, conquer them and then reflect on a great journey...during overcast skies, the bad times, you see nothing, ambition is lost and you just go along your way without any real feeling of better yourself. so now life, when things are going well, there are no obstacles...the ups and downs are part of the excitment and we are always looking for the next challenge to conquer...but when the rain comes and the room closes in, we, well i, sometimes allow ourselves to drown...why? those mountains are still there to climb, they might not look as beautiful, or glamous and the climb up may not be as fun, but when we reach the top the accomplishment is just the same. i must seek out the obstacles and conquer them, not wait until they find me and let them defeat...i will find them!

an easy 8 miles tonight, 10 tomorrow and another long run on sunday...not sure where i am going to explore this weekend, but it should be fun...be safe in all this winter wonderfulness and enjoy the snow.

m.

reflection or rejection.

'let it snow' the vancouver sky screamed out...and so it did...12 miles through fresh snow makes for one tough run, but fun none the less...it was nice last night to just run, kind of explore and not worry about the pace at all because it was pointless...the lack of traction made things slow, but i liked it...yesterday i only worked a half day so i got some time to relax, which was nice because sometimes i feel that i am getting a little run down...'run through it' is what i am constantly hearing in my head...those wise words come from a fellow by the name of bruce denton...and although he is not actually a real person, he is one of the most wise fake people i know!! i didn't end of doing a work out on tuesday because i sort of got lost in a new area and i slipped on the ice and my left thigh took a beating...so i just called it a day...i can make up the few miles i lost at a later date...so things are winding down here before christmas and i am excited to head back to ontario and see some people...i am looking forward to seeing some really old friends and see how their lives have evolved since we last spoke...and i think it will be cool to get in a few runs in lindsay where my running career actually started...oh those were the days, a young teenager, invincible to the world, and possessing all the speed i could handle...things have changed but i still love to run and it will be cool to hit some spots that i used to hit when i was a kid...anyways, i am sorry to disappoint with my lack of entries, the motivation to reflect has been captured by the snowflakes...i will return in all my glory soon.

i did realize though, 'reflection on the negative isn't negative in itself. reflection is the positive that rises out of the negative. reflection makes the negative meaningful. reflection is the key component of the negative. because without the reflection, the negative is just wrong.'

m.

buried alive.

today was a shitty day...a day that should have been celebrated is not cemented and thrown to the bottom of the ocean...today my eyes were closed and my ears were shut...today i heard nothing and a saw nothing...today i lived, but didn't exist, didn't progress, didn't achieve...today i took steps backward, forgot how to move forward...today i was not me.

but, i was told this blog should be positive...stop harping on the negative...so, today the metaphorical shovel works overtime.

m.

insert your addiction here.

'i admire your dedication,' she says.
'well, its more of an addiction,' is his reply.

am i dedicated to my addiction or am i addicted to my dedication. do i seek help for either case or do i just wonder...perhaps that is the real addiction.

m.

for the love, the feeling and the defeat.

today as i ran down boundary road hill it struck me how much i love to run...running is like your best friend who is there through the good and bad...its my foundation and my rock as i continue living my life for the better...i set out on my 18 miler today knowing that i was going to finish but not knowing where i was going to travel along the way and that was exciting...i decided to run into north vancouver and explore what that suburb has to offer...i found lots of rolling hills and less traffic and some great views of the mountains and the water...it was one of the best runs i have had since i was in vancouver...it hit me today that i can explore a lot of ground as i cover these great distances and that is what i plan on doing each week from here on out...i train to be better, to be a great runner and achieve goals that i set out for myself, but i run because i love the feeling that i get as my body propels itself down the road...i often find myself absorbed in moments while i am running...i catch myself staring at my feet as they work in rhythm, so graceful and elegant...i got thrown around a bit by the hilling terrain today, but i am getting stronger and am handling the inclines and declines much better...i think i will be prepared for the terrain at boston.

i finished my first official week of an actual schedule for boston on saturday, totalling 78 miles...it was a good week...two good workouts and a nice long run that went down in windsor...my body is feeling okay, although a little tired, i think this is a very positive start...if i can continue to build off this week i am confident i will run well at boston...i know that there is tons of time before the race and anything can happen but i am positive at this moment and taking it day by day, mile by mile.

i am relly looking forward to getting back to ontario for the holidays, i can't wait to see the little bailster and see how much she has grown...what an amazing phenomenon, child birth and growth...i can barely fathom what it might feel like...i am also looking forward to seeing all the rest of my family and relaxing for a bit...it should be a good trip.

finally, i want to give a shout out to Drew Rankin...he is officially going to gradute his master's and i couldn't be more proud...i know it took incredible dedication and perceiverance to achieve what you did...you are truely one of my greatest heroes and i know we will be friends for life...good job buddy.

i leave you with some advice that was recently given to me...'make sure you have some fun...don't take life too seriously.'

m.

i can see the future.

this morning while i was showing the toilet who is boss i realized something...i can see the future...i may not be able to predict the future, predict the winner of the super bowl or boston marathon...i may not be able to tell you what the weather is going to be like on your vacation to mexico or what stocks to buy to make the most profit...but i can see the future, my future...i can see myself feeding my addiction, my addiction to the chemical bond between rubber and pavement...i can see myself devoting my energy to my little neice and future neices and nephews...i can see myself mending relationships that i thought were lost forever...i can see myself waking up to the person i love, i can see myself holding a child that i helped create...i can see myself smiling as i live...i can see the future; i can see my future and it is comforting, it is exciting...i can't tell you the time when any of this is going to happen but i can see it and if i focus really hard i can feel it.

i can see my future...i hope you can see yours too.

m.

when you mistake chef for chief and your like 'i'm dumb'.

yesterday was a good day...up early to feel the crisp cool air, and then off to work where i actually felt i achieved something...i am really busy at work right now but i really put in 8 good hours and accomplished tons, it made me feel great...it made me feel valuable...i don't always get that feeling...and then the cell phone waves gave me a huge pickup to lead me into a 6 mile tempo...now i didn't really know what to expect from the tempo, i hadn't done one yet that i really committed to...i found a little back road that is about a mile long so an out and back would be two miles...it was far from flat but the hills were manageable...so a couple of warmup miles and i was ready to see what i could do...now anybody who was done a workout with me knows that i am a champion to start, a little to much, and often fizzle out towards the end because i went out to hard...i was determined not to do that, but old habits die hard...so i thought i would start around 630's and see how i could improve each mile...instead i went out at 6o5 pace...mind you the first quarter mile was slightly downhill and my adrenaline was rushing through my veins like oil through a pipeline, but none the less, i was a little worried the first time i looked down at my watch...so the first mile went through at 611 and i was feeling good...it was great to get up to speed and carry that speed over some distance...the rest of the workout was incredibly consistent and i kept all miles under 620...i was really focusing on not lulling during the middle miles because i tend to do that...i finished feeling like i was about to suffucate but extremely proud of what i had accomplished...i have barely started the build up for boston but that was a great workout to build off...overall i averaged 610's and basically set a new pb for the 10k...i am not sure if i had an extra boost or something but i sort of felt like superman out on the road...i was taking in huge amounts of oxygen at times but i never felt that irresistable urge to slow down...that is a good sign...i had a angel riding a bike in front of me last night...i hope she stays.

there are all these snow warnings here in vancouver and everybody is in a frenzy...i will keep you posted on the circus as it seems the city goes into a mild shock if it gets hit with the white stuff...apperently they have never lived in a normal canadian city...good luck vancouverians (that is just embarresing having wrote that...i got nothing).

m.

oh and read this story it is great.

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--12984-0,00.html

one thousandth of a second.

this morning i read that the new ustaf president was an olympic hopeful in her track days...she was a hurdler, and a very good one at that...she won the us olympic trials in 1984 and was heading to her dream, only to hear that the usa was boycotting those olympics...how crushing that would be to work so hard to accomplish your goals and then once you have accomplished them find out you cannot actually reap the benefits...but that didn't stop her, come back in another four years right...so another olympic trials and this time come through the finish line at the same time as three others..who is it going to be? then find out that you missed your dream by one thousandth of a second...can you imagine, top three go to the olympics and you placed four by one thousandth of a second...that amount of time isn't barely comprehensable...i mean we barely live our lives by minutes; most of time measuring in hours or even days...i think that must have been devestating but it seems to have made her a better person for it...after those set of circumstances how could you not beleive that the world had a greater purpose...and i guess now she is serving that purpose...good for her.

hammered out 10 miles last night at a steady pace along the hilly roadside of boundary road...i have grown to like that route because it gives me a great challenge of hills and flat sections...the road travels down the ridge of the landscape so on clear nights you get a great view of the mountains and the cities across the water...i got into a nice groove the last few miles while i was dreaming of winning the lottery...i always love when that happens on a run becuase you just lose miles and dont even realize that you are running...it is amazing how powerful the mind is sometimes...i have really regained my love and passion for running over the past couple of months and i couldn't be more excited...its my drug of choice and often the best part of my day...i can't wait to race again to see how well i am responding to the training, but that won't be for atleast a month i think...plus i can't get ahead of myself, taking it day by day, mile by mile.

on a final note, this morning as i was trotting through the vancouver streets i saw somebody with a stainless steel pot on their head...i thought that is pretty strange, they must be confused, until i realized it rains so much here...no water is pentrating that material.
note to self: buy large pot this weekend, ensure dimensions are suited for my rather large skull.

m.

the sleeping city.

one thing that was so great about mornings in windsor is that the city was barely awake...i know i didn't experience that many mornings, but when i did, there was a calm as i ran through the streets...it was peaceful and inspiring knowing that everybody in the city had a mutual ritual; rest...however, this city of vancouver, that is not the case...this being my first morning, i don't want to jump to conclusions, but i was hoping that the streets would be sleeping at 530 in the morning, but it felt like rush hour...cars wizzing by and the sky train humming, it made my morning trott a little less enjoyable...perhaps i will get used to it, or maybe its just the area, but in the mornings i wanna hear the earth breathing...i yern for the quiet where my soul can leak out of my body, seep into the ground and re-engize itself...that was not the case this morning...it makes me a little sad, like this busy socitey that exists has lost the ability to rest...isn't that how we heal? everybody needs to heal sometime.

last night i hammered out a 8 mile fartlek and it was really great...some tough stretches but i was able to nail down for hard intervals all under 610 miles. i did
1 mile easy
1/2 easy - 1/2 hard
1 easy - 1 hard
1 easy - 1 hard
1/2 easy - 1/2 hard
1 mile cool

i have really been enjoying this type of workout as it is non stop and i try to keep the easy intervals steady...doing full mile intervals is tough in my area because it is impossible not to hit a pretty decent hill...although the first hard 1/2 was pretty fun because it was down hill and i was hitting 520's...i felt like superman, just gliding along the pavement, speeding up my turnover and breathing easy...almost felt invicible...i really want to make boston an experience, i want to make it count...actually i want to make my whole life count and if running has taught me anything, its that you have to devote your whole self into achieving your goals...and my current goal is to live life, enjoy life, make it real and make it full of love...so i am diving in, expecting there to be some mountains to climb and preparing my gear...the sun shines the brightest when your eyes are open, so why walk through life with them closed.

m.

donated eyes.

there was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. she hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. he was always there for her. she told her boyfriend,

'if i could only see the world, i will marry you.'

one day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
he asked her,

'now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'

the girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. the sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. the thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:

'take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

this is how the human brain often works when our status changes. only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

life is a gift

today before you say an unkind word - think of someone who can't speak.
before you complain about the taste of your food - think of someone who has nothing to eat.
before you complain about your husband or wife - think of someone who's crying for a companion.
today before you complain about life - think of someone who went too early to heaven.
before whining about the distance you drive - think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
when you are tired and complain about your job - think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
and when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.



my grandmother sent this to me and it really made me think. i encourage everybody to read it and let it inspire you becuase i know it has inspired me. make your life worth living, but actually living it; that statement could actually save your life!

m.

lets call it living, not dying

so i am back in vancouver and back to my blog after a great trip home...saw all my friends and accomplished what i had been conceptualizing for a long time now...it was such a great feeling do that after just weeks of thinking...our thoughts are only thoughts until they are put into action, put into reality and allowed to grow and flourish...even if those thoughts are spoken, but the words are left to just mix with the molecules of the air and drift away, they mean nothing...i am focused now on taking those thoughts and using them as motivation to actually have my goals and dreams come true...that my friends is moving forward, being a better person and that is what i need and want to get back too...because that is what i missed the most...the inspiration to be a better person...i think i learned a lot about faith this weekend...being so far away in vancouver, it is hard to always see stuff back home, but that is what faith is all about, believing in something you can't see...i have always admired people with great faith and never quite understood it...and by no means am i am zen master after only a few days, but i know that i posses faith and it is growing inside me...my hope is the water and my belief in myself is the food that will fire the groth of this faith...somebody close to me this weekend told me that life isn't hard, you just do it...if it is part of life and the right thing to do then you just do it...i mean obviously sometimes it is going to be a struggle along the way, but never hard...and i really related to that because some of the big things that i was going home to do this weekend might have been view as really hard...but in my heart and my soul i knew it was the right thing to do so it was so hard after all...thank you masked wise one, i have much to learna and it excites me that i can learn from you.

so it was tough to leave, after having such a great time and feeling like that was my home again after only a few days it made me pretty sad...but to take the positive i know i have formed some relationships that are going to be with me forever and that is a really exciting feeling...knowing that those people are going to be by your side through the darkess of times and through the best of times...it is completly comforting, it actually makes me feel much safer in my own life...if i have learned anything from vancouver is that you can't do it alone and you can't run away from you life because it always catches up with you...and why i wanted to run away i am not sure, but the point is i have turned around and i am running back...i am running with shoes of greatness, painting the path as i travel...there will be no looking back after this point and think i made negative decisions or i wasn't confronting life...i will look back upon this path and it will glow, it will be the light that guides me along all new and unmarked parts of the path...i have a newly defined shining star...and every now and then when i am down and i think i will never get up it will wink...it will let me know i am never alone and i hope, i know that will give me the strength to carry on...it will give me the strength to be the man i want to be...it will give me the strength to live.

m.

prepare for an eclipse and you get a sunset.

im heading home...ya i can say home because home is where the heart is, right? the instruments are lined up, the players are polished, and audience waits and now all i need to do is conduct...the show must go on, with critics watching...words are just words, just letters patch together to form some meaning, until you put an action to those words...its the final countdown, my heart beats faster than ever before, jumping from my chest and reaching for the sky...prepare for an eclipse and you get a sunset, prepare to walk in shadows and you will get a spotlight, prepare to smile and tears will flow...there is no preparation when the execution is impossible...you simply must beleive...follow your heart it will never leave you a stray.

post a comment if you are in windsor and wanna say whats up over the next couple of days...cheers to a new life.

m.

time will tell.

honestly time couldn't pass any slower...are the seconds being dragged through mud or are we just running out of gas? its like the coefficient of friction between my life and time has been multiplied by 100 so it can barely move along, dragging and scratching its way to a finale that could produce fireworks or just produce a fire; burning all remains to ash...in any case, my brain is going crazy...i am weaving like a spider, strings of thoughts overlapping to form webs of confusion...if only i had a crystal ball, all this anticipation could be cured...but wait, what am i am saying, the anticipation is the fun...not knowing whether you are going to win or lose...thats why you play the game...no matter what the odds, on the right day, all the right conditions, anybody can win!!

crazy sore today, did a real easy five miles yesterday which helped a bit...but this whole week will be easy...just some nice steady runs, get my legs back...it will be weird to run in windsor again, my old stomping grounds...like quenton cassidy returning to his old battle grounds...oh the nostalgia!!! but it will be good to get out with some old running friends...ill be sure to bring my tights!!

not sure if i have mentioned but i started watching the show dexter and i officially addicted...it is a very intelligent show and very humerous in a non traditional way...it is a great change from the today's modern tv show...although i love the teenage drama, sometimes it is nice to watch something a little different...i highly recommend it to anybody with some time to kill...you would have to catch up on like 30 epidsodes, but it would be worth it!!!

my final thought is about fear...it seems to be seeping into me lately and often i have trouble fighting it off...why am i so scared? i am scared to fail? scared to admit that i have already failed? or am i afraid that if i achieve i won't know how to handle that achievment? time will tell, it always does.

m.

missing.

it's looking like a limb torn off
or altogether just taken apart

something is missing today, searching to find it...my eyes feel fine, so why is it that i am all of a sudden colour blind...something is missing...i will find it, i will....

m.

not much insight here.

hey, whats up people? today i woke up pretty sore from a tough 16 miler i did yesterday...my legs were pretty tired and i broke down mentally with about 3 miles to go as i was trekking uphill to my place...although at times i felt beaten down and totally out of it on the run, it was a great learning experience for my body...i hadn't really put myself through a really tough long run yet so atleast i got that out of the way...and i still posted a decent pace considering the terrain and circumstances so overall it was a good day...i have to admit i was angry with my mother the whole run because for some reason she created me with a gimpy right ear that cannot hold a headphone for its life...i enjoy listening to music while running, especially on solo long runs, but i hate the fact that is always falls out of my right ear...so frustrating...in a world of technology that can give us nuclear bombs, electrics cars and jumbo jets, you would think there would be a pair of headphones that would stay in my ears...what a life!!! i ended up taking them out and was much happier, left to my thoughts to entertain me for 2 hours...its cool, i got by!!!

so it has been revealed that i am returning to windsor for a visit in a few days and i am very excited...i haven't seen most of my friends and family for almost six months and i really miss them...i think the support of the people that you care for in your every day life is something i took advantage of and maybe didn't soak up enough in the past...it really hits you hard when you don't have it and it hits you harder when you know you won't have it for while...so i intend to make the best out of the trip and enjoy it to the fullest...watch out windsor, here i come!!

so i think that is it for today, i apologize for no insighful thoughts, but i am prett tired and a man has gotta take a break some time...i hopeful that the next three days don't drag on as i wait for my vacation, but if they do i am sure i will pass the time with a few posts...stay strong and look tot he stars for wisdom...i am striving for positive thoughts, seeing my future and trying to make it happen...i hope you are all doing the same.

m.

a toast to the bailster...thinking about you kid

what is up? so the deed is done, the top secret mission is complete and I feel like i deserve my close up with some shades like tom cruise in mission impossible...only i hope my message doesn't self destruct in 10 seconds!! i have been trying really hard to shed some positive life onto my life and it feels really good...i have been battling the demons that are crawling through my brain spewing negativity and at this point i think i am winning...time is elapsing quickly from each day to the next and i am holding a strong foundation...at this point i am as ready as ever to face the attacks...

today is bailey's birthday, my niece, and it makes me sad that i can't be there to wish her a happy birthday...i know she is actually my baby, but it gives me a little glimpse of what it is going to be like to have a child and to be the one responsible for the way they turn out...such a fragile experience with so many variables, it must be terrifying in one way but obviously the greatest reward in another way...she has to be the cutest baby i have ever seen and sarah and jeff i give you credit for creating her...she is a blessing to us all...what a life it would be to be a baby, don't you think...i mean babies know nothing of the pressures of life...they do what they want, when they want and they do it up the right way...i am trying to take advice from her little brain cells and steer my life direction in one that i beleive will make me happy...thanks bailey, you are much more wise than you know!!!

last night after a couple days off to get done what needed to get done, i did up a 10 miler which was great...did it on a course with some good size hills and some up and down terrain and felt really comfortable...i think my confidence is actually coming back but slower than my body because i am still a little suprised when looking down at my watch and seeing 650 pace and not breathing hard at all...i am beginning to get used to it again, but i am trying to take it slow just in case...i have been thinking back to the marathon alot lately, and actually not just the race but the whole trip and how great it was to get away with some great friends...for some reason, most of my life i didn't beleive friends were that important...maybe it was becuase i would make them and lose them so much...but i am realizing that good friends are just an extension of your family...and in the end your family is what really matters in this life...i like to beleive and i hope that no deed is so bad, no mistake is so horrible that is cuts the ties of the people that you really love and the people that really love you...i mean thats what love is right? i think the big picture becomes a little less blurry each and every day i exist and it is exciting to have these great relevations, but only if they stay with you...thoughts are really just steam coming off the water, evaporating into thin air and lost forever...the trick is to capture that steam and lay out strategies so that very steam will power your life forever.

m.

it will never be broken.

today was a day that involved much learning...the dust settled and my eye lids opened...i saw you for the first time even though i had seen you every day since that fateful evening...words were just sound, and life around had no influence; it was blurred...you hovered through reality, your lines cut through time like a knife through butter...the ghosts surrounded us and gasped in jealousy as you slithered your perfection through the chilled air...a title wave of scent travelled like lightning through my nose and into my brain...the electric pulses jumping from their hideouts, as if i had never smelt before...where were you hiding this whole time? are you simply teasing? or are you circling me for battle? assessing my every weakness and flaw...you know this body, you have been up and down my skin, allowing yourself to seep through every pore...you were the stars, lighting my night time sky as i flew to the moon...now you watch me watch you, dissecting my thoughts as they evaporate from my head...you can read me like a morning newspaper, sifting through the meaningless text to find only what you are looking for...my costume is translucent to you, transparent even...your focus bends through every organ and stops at the pulsing red mass...and you wonder...why is it so unlike the rest? relentless, you begin to press harder, pealing away the layers, constantly beleiving the next will bring you your sweet reward, your sweet revenge...an eye for an eye, right? you wisper 'an eye ain't got nothing on this'...finally you reach the core, the nucleus of it all...a prize worthy of only your dedication...and at that moment you know that this is life...from this point on you are addicted to this feeling, it captures your soul and demands nothing short of creation in return...creation of one light formed from two...you know what you must do...as you draw yours from your locked chest, it floats into the sky...they meet and the sun is born...darkness no longer reigns in this story...we say goodbye to the label of 'prisnor of night'...our sun is alive and will burn for eternity...a smile is all that is needed because you know that you returned life to the one person that needed it the most...they will never see fear again...with a sun to guide and a world to conquer, the quest has been spelled out...patience will be lost and tears will flow to the ground...but the love will never be broken.

m.

long days leave you so low.

hey everybody,
yesterday was such a long day i am surprised i didn't sleep today right through...after 11 hours at the office i was home to do an 8 mile fartlek run at 8pm...although running that late has its benefits, such as light traffic and a sort of silence, well as much as vancouver will ever give you...unfortunately, those are the most lonely days...all day going and going and never time to stop and enjoy some of the things you should...i mean its nice to keep busy, keep your mind moving forward; i have some real problems with mine wondering...but a good relaxing hour can make any day feel great, right!!!

the run went pretty good...my foot is feeling better each day and my body is holding up through these early weeks of training...i have to admit though running and training on my own is sometimes a daunting task...you have to keep your mind sharp because it is the only thing that keeps you accountable...back in windsor i had a training partner almost all the time, especially during workouts and feeding of somebody elses's adrenaline is often much easier than mustering your own...but at the same time, it is a great challenge, and i am really feeling up to it at this point...i have high expectations for myself in my next marathon, as well as just for my general fitness...i am going to seek out some flat ground on thursday for my tempo and see what i can do over 5 miles...i will keep everybody posted.

i wanna give a shout out to one of my best friends who is struggling through something right now...its crazy to see so much work go into something and i am excited to see the end result...i know you have the strength to accomplish this and any other goal you set your mind to...i would be there next to you with pen and paper if that would help, but you know i am there in spirit...be strong and swift like the wind; i am positive things will work out in the end.

so i have been playing my guitar with some real purpose lately, and i think my sister leanne might be going crazy...sometimes i wish my singing genes were just a little more refined so i could belt out and actually sound like i have a real voice...but i don't let that stop you...i have actually been writing some stuff, i mean i am not musician, but i really enjoy putting words to simple chords and music...it feels really good when you get out what you want to say...so i will pose the offer of me posting something on here if 1) this is enough response and 2) i can figure out how...let me know if you are in for some torture and i will record some stuff up...until then listen and love the real music out there...it can mend the most broken heart.

m.

mornings and mountains and valleys oh my!!!

hey,
i am coming to your computer screen from a time that is second only to being out on a run...the early morning...ya i know what everybody is saying that really knows me, i am not a morning person and i will agree...but since moving to vancouver i have been getting myself out of bed as early as possible just to enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee and enjoy some time where life is kind of standing still...i don't accomplish much i just sit and reflect on days past, sometimes weeks and years past...i think it can be a healthy distraction from the rest of life where we are all so busy and often forget to slow down and enjoy everything...yesterday i went to west vancouver and ran the mountain trails, which were very much out of my league, but it was great none the less...although i have to say the drive up was almost as good as the run...my place is situated sort of on a high point in the city so when i drive to the mountains i have this beautiful view as i head down the highway...the tops of the mountains are now dusted with icing sugar and yesterday was clear as can be...when all you can see is mountains and mountains in you line of sight its hard not to realize you are part of something so much bigger that you...the vastness and size of these monsters gave me the feeling that big things are in my future...the mountains can be used for so much more than running and hiking...they can give us hope, and reinforce us that there is light at the end of the tunnel...they are concrete, they are not influenced by their surrondings and they give back what you put into them...they are a great companion...but like i said they gave me the feeling of big things; they are coming...i gotta just take steps forward, stop looking into the eyes of fear and feeling that i should run back, but look to the mountains peeks and think that i can climb over, i can reach the top and then the other side...i can climb any mountain...

the run turned into just over 12 miles that felt like 22 because i was climbing a mountain...although i was still able to hit 710 miles while on flat surface, so that gave me some confidence...one thing that i am pretty sure is that come boston my legs are going to be as strong as ever...i hope my endurance is there as well and i am doing my best to match the hill runs with some steady pace runs, as well as tempos and i will get into some speed work later...i am still lacking ambition in the mornings so that is something i have to focus on...i think it is because it is cold and i will probably have to wear tights (i know i am spoiled)...

i hope that people reading this blog aren't getting concerned about my well being or health or anything...please understand this is a form of therapy for me, a sort of venting session...i can sit down and write what i am thinking and it is almost like talking with somebody...i don't go back and read them right away to make sure everything sounds right, that would sort of defeat the purpose...so take what i say to heart because it is all truths but don't take it so literally that it concerns you...i thinks its important to sift through the electronic pulses in your head and organize all those thoughts into a collection that is usable...and blogging is really helping me do that...peaks and valleys i say, life is all about peaks and valleys...we just gotta make sure we do give up while we are down.

m.

manifestation and greatness dissected.

hey, whats is up people...so i have my first follower of this blog...thank you, you know who you are!! so whats been on my mind lately you ask...i have to say there has been a lot, but in particular i have been thinking about people who are 'great' and what they do to gain that status...i want to be great, what do i have to do to be great...somebody close to me used to always try to convince me that i was 'great' that i could achieve great things, but i never fully bought into it all...i always knew i had qualities that could make me great but i didn't think i had the dedication, the determination and everything else you need to climb that mountain...but!! this person also used to teach me the art of manifestation...always reiterating the fact that if you think it, it will come...is that really true, i mean i know we humans have strong minds, but stars was fiction right? well, lately i have been buying into it more and more, but in a slightly altered light...i have been manifesting within instead of on the surface...instead of believing something will happen, willing it to happen, focusing on the art of creating this piece of history, i have been willing myself...focusing on teaching myself courage, perseverance and patience, but at the same time preparing myself for disaster, for defeat and a huge letdown...my new view on manifestation is more of creation that anything...creating from within, creating yourself to be what you want to be; creating a person that does not back down when obstacles are placed between you and your goals...i mean, just sitting around and hoping things will happen the way you want is a little passive for my liking, atleast i hope its my liking...i want to be the person who accomplishes the thoughts in his brain, not just think them...i wanna put my knowledge to good use, put foot to pavement...and the biggest thing i have learned from all of this is that being great involves much more than just being...these great people make mistakes just like the rest of us, but what makes them great is what they can do once they have failed...they don't roll over and die, they do dry up and lose their passion, they do hide or live in the dark...they seek out the answers and redepmtion is their new purpose...i want to be great...i aspire to obtain that label, but i must prove my worth...manifestation, its coming from within, and i have high hopes that it will lead to greatness...and if i don't achieve the stars, i think i still can achieve greatness, becuase its the great people that die trying not die watching.

for anybody wondering about my running, it is going well, after a couple of easier 8 milers i am heading to north vancouver to run 12-14 miles of mountain trails...this is my first trip to the trail so it is going to be a learning experience and i am excited...i want to encourage anybody reading this to leave comments whether it be running related or not because sometimes i feel very alone out here and any contact makes me feel a little closer to you.

m.

mediocrity: a legitimate fear?

hello internet users,
i am here fresh of my first tempo run of these earlier stages of training and i am probably going to get into the topic of pain, because i was feeling a bit on the run. first of i want to give a shout of to a few of the people that i have reconnected with from back in windsor...oh the power of text messaging...it was great to hear from you and i miss everybody...that got me thinking as well, 'do i miss windsor?', no it can't be true...i used to curse that very name and vow that i would never return once i left...but i have to say i miss the idea of windsor...a city you know well, you know the ins and outs, just the spots to get the most pleasure, not to mention all the people you grow close with...it is something that is easily taken for granted, like you could have that wherever you go...i tell you from experience, that is not true...we may all look at the same stars, the same sun, but for some reason when you have people there next to you staring at the same angle, things just look much more bright...when you are alone, you are only aloted half of the colours, only half of the light travels through the prism...but you must not lose hope because they are probably wishing you were there to share those things anyways...

so, i am coming to you now a day later, i didn't get to post my original post, i got distracted...so no pain comments for this post...i will save that for like a 10 mile tempo or something...i spent most of today day dreaming and i have found lately that i am absolutely losing myself in my day dreams...dreams of what used to be, dreams of what there is to come and fantasizing about being a superhero...imagine everything you did was the right decision, everything you said were words that melted like butter...would you life still have the same thrill...would we be who we are without disaster...i think not...if anything our world would be ruled by boredom...everybody doing and saying the perfect thing...the disappointment of doing the wrong thing is what drives us to be great...i think that disappointment has taken over my life the past little while, i am spending too much time with the ashes, my fire is losing fuel...but rejoice, we all combust eventually and there will be heat again...i must rise from the ashes, like a rocket to the moon...my goal is to be better, i need to start a list of things, things i can improve on and make that my purpose for awhile...to those always striving to be better, i salute you...somebody close to me once told me they were afraid of mediocrity and it is so true...we are all unique is some way, we just have to find it, prevent ourselves from being group together, mass produced...in a world of giants we must be strong enough to stand out as mice...and it this situation we can prove that being big isn't always being better.

m.

to plumet or not to plumet?

hello,
i come to you today with a bruised ego...thinking i was back into this whole running thing, like taking a break didn't affect me...i have discovered that i have a long way to go to get to where i want to be, but the good news is that i have some time...i am definitely behind my fellow competitors and it is going to take a very strong mind to give them a challenge come race day...also i have discovered that i really only have running to hold on to right now anyways...i mean making friends out here has been pretty tough and i am obviously trying to cut out the drinking and partying to give my running a boost so i am sort of left to running...i mean i could work more but who wants to do that...i am really at a cross roads in my working life...i give credit to all you people out there who happily wake every morning and stroll along to your average paying job and don't complain...it is getting to me already and i am only 25...what a joke i have become...whatever happen to all my thoughts of being something great when i get older...they are currently circling in the toilet, on the verge of being flushed away for ever...just sticking around enough to tease me into thinking i can post a better life...back to running, i hit a few 6 minute miles last night on my fartlek, the were downhill, but just don't tell anybody...it did feel good to get going that fast again and i wasn't huffing and puffing too much...however, the everest climb back home on my last hard mile was another story...i know it is good for me, but i could curse the hills here in vancouver and still sleep soundly at night...but i won't stoop to that level and push through...i got the yoga for runners dvd in the mail and i am going to start hitting that up in hopes that increased flexibility will help with my nagging injuries and all that jazz...i definetely have to be more disciplined in the mornings...they haven't gone well yet...i have been feeling very lonley lately our here in the west...losing touch with all the people i was once close with and it is sadening...i was remembering some good times while i was running down this deserted highway in burnaby last night and i couldn't help but get down...nobody tells you that when you try to make a positive change in your life, you must drag the negative along with you like a ball and chain until you are strong enough to break that chain...i fear that that may require a large amount of time and self discovery and i am beginning to realize that the effort required is greatly over my head...i guess it is fitting to do that out west due to the mountains, this sure is an obstacle the size of a mountain...i guess its time to break out my climbing shoes and begin the ascent...i just hope that if i fall somebody is there to hold my safety rope or i may plumet to my death.

m.

first comes the editorial, then comes the training, and the mental breakdowns

hello, for anybody interested in reading about my marathon training and any other rants that i may go on, hit up this blog and enjoy.



so i am a few weeks into a long build up to boston 2009. i was forced to take some time off while i shifted my life out west as well as i was nursing a nagging foot injury. the time off really allowed me to reflected on the passion that i feel for running and training for a purpose. i think that when i wasn't running my mood and outlook for the future was really affected in a negative way and perhaps that is something i have to work on as i get older and will need to rest more often. but as for now i will really on running to be my oxygen, my food source as i progress in life. lately i have been using the time on the road to contimplate my entire existence. my career path, my social life, or lack there or, and lots of family matters. i went through some tough stuff as i moved out west and that stuff still lingers and hitting the road really allows me to power through that. at times of lonliness i often think i should join a running group or something of that sort, but now i have realized that running is my solitude. its where i do my best work, wether that be training my muscles or sifting through my daily problems and also try to answer the life questions that have been plaguing me for years. i discovered a giant resource (a huge park with trails) near my house this past sunday and it really make me think about the future and the endless possibilities that are out there for us to take hold of. i realized that the end of something is really just where you stop. where you allow yourself to give in to the obstacles around you. maybe endings don't really existing, becuase the end of something is really just the beginning of something new. maybe we just need to try harder, push through, be strong and instead of using the end as a excuse to stop putting forth an effort, we rid ourselves of that word and start using positive replacements like transition. my life as an ontarioian (is that right) didn't end, it just transitioned into being a brithish columbian. anyways, that is the stuff that i think about while running...maybe it sounds better then because i am tired and delirious, the rolling hills here are kiiling me!!!



by the way, for all you who are waiting to kick my ass in boston, i am only at 50 miles for this week, but with big plans for the future. i have lost some fitness but i plan on giving my all there and hoping for a great result. like michael phelps i will keep my goals to myself and only say that i will bring a strong mind and hopefully a hardened body. until next time.



m.