a toast to the bailster...thinking about you kid

what is up? so the deed is done, the top secret mission is complete and I feel like i deserve my close up with some shades like tom cruise in mission impossible...only i hope my message doesn't self destruct in 10 seconds!! i have been trying really hard to shed some positive life onto my life and it feels really good...i have been battling the demons that are crawling through my brain spewing negativity and at this point i think i am winning...time is elapsing quickly from each day to the next and i am holding a strong foundation...at this point i am as ready as ever to face the attacks...

today is bailey's birthday, my niece, and it makes me sad that i can't be there to wish her a happy birthday...i know she is actually my baby, but it gives me a little glimpse of what it is going to be like to have a child and to be the one responsible for the way they turn out...such a fragile experience with so many variables, it must be terrifying in one way but obviously the greatest reward in another way...she has to be the cutest baby i have ever seen and sarah and jeff i give you credit for creating her...she is a blessing to us all...what a life it would be to be a baby, don't you think...i mean babies know nothing of the pressures of life...they do what they want, when they want and they do it up the right way...i am trying to take advice from her little brain cells and steer my life direction in one that i beleive will make me happy...thanks bailey, you are much more wise than you know!!!

last night after a couple days off to get done what needed to get done, i did up a 10 miler which was great...did it on a course with some good size hills and some up and down terrain and felt really comfortable...i think my confidence is actually coming back but slower than my body because i am still a little suprised when looking down at my watch and seeing 650 pace and not breathing hard at all...i am beginning to get used to it again, but i am trying to take it slow just in case...i have been thinking back to the marathon alot lately, and actually not just the race but the whole trip and how great it was to get away with some great friends...for some reason, most of my life i didn't beleive friends were that important...maybe it was becuase i would make them and lose them so much...but i am realizing that good friends are just an extension of your family...and in the end your family is what really matters in this life...i like to beleive and i hope that no deed is so bad, no mistake is so horrible that is cuts the ties of the people that you really love and the people that really love you...i mean thats what love is right? i think the big picture becomes a little less blurry each and every day i exist and it is exciting to have these great relevations, but only if they stay with you...thoughts are really just steam coming off the water, evaporating into thin air and lost forever...the trick is to capture that steam and lay out strategies so that very steam will power your life forever.

m.

it will never be broken.

today was a day that involved much learning...the dust settled and my eye lids opened...i saw you for the first time even though i had seen you every day since that fateful evening...words were just sound, and life around had no influence; it was blurred...you hovered through reality, your lines cut through time like a knife through butter...the ghosts surrounded us and gasped in jealousy as you slithered your perfection through the chilled air...a title wave of scent travelled like lightning through my nose and into my brain...the electric pulses jumping from their hideouts, as if i had never smelt before...where were you hiding this whole time? are you simply teasing? or are you circling me for battle? assessing my every weakness and flaw...you know this body, you have been up and down my skin, allowing yourself to seep through every pore...you were the stars, lighting my night time sky as i flew to the moon...now you watch me watch you, dissecting my thoughts as they evaporate from my head...you can read me like a morning newspaper, sifting through the meaningless text to find only what you are looking for...my costume is translucent to you, transparent even...your focus bends through every organ and stops at the pulsing red mass...and you wonder...why is it so unlike the rest? relentless, you begin to press harder, pealing away the layers, constantly beleiving the next will bring you your sweet reward, your sweet revenge...an eye for an eye, right? you wisper 'an eye ain't got nothing on this'...finally you reach the core, the nucleus of it all...a prize worthy of only your dedication...and at that moment you know that this is life...from this point on you are addicted to this feeling, it captures your soul and demands nothing short of creation in return...creation of one light formed from two...you know what you must do...as you draw yours from your locked chest, it floats into the sky...they meet and the sun is born...darkness no longer reigns in this story...we say goodbye to the label of 'prisnor of night'...our sun is alive and will burn for eternity...a smile is all that is needed because you know that you returned life to the one person that needed it the most...they will never see fear again...with a sun to guide and a world to conquer, the quest has been spelled out...patience will be lost and tears will flow to the ground...but the love will never be broken.

m.

long days leave you so low.

hey everybody,
yesterday was such a long day i am surprised i didn't sleep today right through...after 11 hours at the office i was home to do an 8 mile fartlek run at 8pm...although running that late has its benefits, such as light traffic and a sort of silence, well as much as vancouver will ever give you...unfortunately, those are the most lonely days...all day going and going and never time to stop and enjoy some of the things you should...i mean its nice to keep busy, keep your mind moving forward; i have some real problems with mine wondering...but a good relaxing hour can make any day feel great, right!!!

the run went pretty good...my foot is feeling better each day and my body is holding up through these early weeks of training...i have to admit though running and training on my own is sometimes a daunting task...you have to keep your mind sharp because it is the only thing that keeps you accountable...back in windsor i had a training partner almost all the time, especially during workouts and feeding of somebody elses's adrenaline is often much easier than mustering your own...but at the same time, it is a great challenge, and i am really feeling up to it at this point...i have high expectations for myself in my next marathon, as well as just for my general fitness...i am going to seek out some flat ground on thursday for my tempo and see what i can do over 5 miles...i will keep everybody posted.

i wanna give a shout out to one of my best friends who is struggling through something right now...its crazy to see so much work go into something and i am excited to see the end result...i know you have the strength to accomplish this and any other goal you set your mind to...i would be there next to you with pen and paper if that would help, but you know i am there in spirit...be strong and swift like the wind; i am positive things will work out in the end.

so i have been playing my guitar with some real purpose lately, and i think my sister leanne might be going crazy...sometimes i wish my singing genes were just a little more refined so i could belt out and actually sound like i have a real voice...but i don't let that stop you...i have actually been writing some stuff, i mean i am not musician, but i really enjoy putting words to simple chords and music...it feels really good when you get out what you want to say...so i will pose the offer of me posting something on here if 1) this is enough response and 2) i can figure out how...let me know if you are in for some torture and i will record some stuff up...until then listen and love the real music out there...it can mend the most broken heart.

m.

mornings and mountains and valleys oh my!!!

hey,
i am coming to your computer screen from a time that is second only to being out on a run...the early morning...ya i know what everybody is saying that really knows me, i am not a morning person and i will agree...but since moving to vancouver i have been getting myself out of bed as early as possible just to enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee and enjoy some time where life is kind of standing still...i don't accomplish much i just sit and reflect on days past, sometimes weeks and years past...i think it can be a healthy distraction from the rest of life where we are all so busy and often forget to slow down and enjoy everything...yesterday i went to west vancouver and ran the mountain trails, which were very much out of my league, but it was great none the less...although i have to say the drive up was almost as good as the run...my place is situated sort of on a high point in the city so when i drive to the mountains i have this beautiful view as i head down the highway...the tops of the mountains are now dusted with icing sugar and yesterday was clear as can be...when all you can see is mountains and mountains in you line of sight its hard not to realize you are part of something so much bigger that you...the vastness and size of these monsters gave me the feeling that big things are in my future...the mountains can be used for so much more than running and hiking...they can give us hope, and reinforce us that there is light at the end of the tunnel...they are concrete, they are not influenced by their surrondings and they give back what you put into them...they are a great companion...but like i said they gave me the feeling of big things; they are coming...i gotta just take steps forward, stop looking into the eyes of fear and feeling that i should run back, but look to the mountains peeks and think that i can climb over, i can reach the top and then the other side...i can climb any mountain...

the run turned into just over 12 miles that felt like 22 because i was climbing a mountain...although i was still able to hit 710 miles while on flat surface, so that gave me some confidence...one thing that i am pretty sure is that come boston my legs are going to be as strong as ever...i hope my endurance is there as well and i am doing my best to match the hill runs with some steady pace runs, as well as tempos and i will get into some speed work later...i am still lacking ambition in the mornings so that is something i have to focus on...i think it is because it is cold and i will probably have to wear tights (i know i am spoiled)...

i hope that people reading this blog aren't getting concerned about my well being or health or anything...please understand this is a form of therapy for me, a sort of venting session...i can sit down and write what i am thinking and it is almost like talking with somebody...i don't go back and read them right away to make sure everything sounds right, that would sort of defeat the purpose...so take what i say to heart because it is all truths but don't take it so literally that it concerns you...i thinks its important to sift through the electronic pulses in your head and organize all those thoughts into a collection that is usable...and blogging is really helping me do that...peaks and valleys i say, life is all about peaks and valleys...we just gotta make sure we do give up while we are down.

m.

manifestation and greatness dissected.

hey, whats is up people...so i have my first follower of this blog...thank you, you know who you are!! so whats been on my mind lately you ask...i have to say there has been a lot, but in particular i have been thinking about people who are 'great' and what they do to gain that status...i want to be great, what do i have to do to be great...somebody close to me used to always try to convince me that i was 'great' that i could achieve great things, but i never fully bought into it all...i always knew i had qualities that could make me great but i didn't think i had the dedication, the determination and everything else you need to climb that mountain...but!! this person also used to teach me the art of manifestation...always reiterating the fact that if you think it, it will come...is that really true, i mean i know we humans have strong minds, but stars was fiction right? well, lately i have been buying into it more and more, but in a slightly altered light...i have been manifesting within instead of on the surface...instead of believing something will happen, willing it to happen, focusing on the art of creating this piece of history, i have been willing myself...focusing on teaching myself courage, perseverance and patience, but at the same time preparing myself for disaster, for defeat and a huge letdown...my new view on manifestation is more of creation that anything...creating from within, creating yourself to be what you want to be; creating a person that does not back down when obstacles are placed between you and your goals...i mean, just sitting around and hoping things will happen the way you want is a little passive for my liking, atleast i hope its my liking...i want to be the person who accomplishes the thoughts in his brain, not just think them...i wanna put my knowledge to good use, put foot to pavement...and the biggest thing i have learned from all of this is that being great involves much more than just being...these great people make mistakes just like the rest of us, but what makes them great is what they can do once they have failed...they don't roll over and die, they do dry up and lose their passion, they do hide or live in the dark...they seek out the answers and redepmtion is their new purpose...i want to be great...i aspire to obtain that label, but i must prove my worth...manifestation, its coming from within, and i have high hopes that it will lead to greatness...and if i don't achieve the stars, i think i still can achieve greatness, becuase its the great people that die trying not die watching.

for anybody wondering about my running, it is going well, after a couple of easier 8 milers i am heading to north vancouver to run 12-14 miles of mountain trails...this is my first trip to the trail so it is going to be a learning experience and i am excited...i want to encourage anybody reading this to leave comments whether it be running related or not because sometimes i feel very alone out here and any contact makes me feel a little closer to you.

m.

mediocrity: a legitimate fear?

hello internet users,
i am here fresh of my first tempo run of these earlier stages of training and i am probably going to get into the topic of pain, because i was feeling a bit on the run. first of i want to give a shout of to a few of the people that i have reconnected with from back in windsor...oh the power of text messaging...it was great to hear from you and i miss everybody...that got me thinking as well, 'do i miss windsor?', no it can't be true...i used to curse that very name and vow that i would never return once i left...but i have to say i miss the idea of windsor...a city you know well, you know the ins and outs, just the spots to get the most pleasure, not to mention all the people you grow close with...it is something that is easily taken for granted, like you could have that wherever you go...i tell you from experience, that is not true...we may all look at the same stars, the same sun, but for some reason when you have people there next to you staring at the same angle, things just look much more bright...when you are alone, you are only aloted half of the colours, only half of the light travels through the prism...but you must not lose hope because they are probably wishing you were there to share those things anyways...

so, i am coming to you now a day later, i didn't get to post my original post, i got distracted...so no pain comments for this post...i will save that for like a 10 mile tempo or something...i spent most of today day dreaming and i have found lately that i am absolutely losing myself in my day dreams...dreams of what used to be, dreams of what there is to come and fantasizing about being a superhero...imagine everything you did was the right decision, everything you said were words that melted like butter...would you life still have the same thrill...would we be who we are without disaster...i think not...if anything our world would be ruled by boredom...everybody doing and saying the perfect thing...the disappointment of doing the wrong thing is what drives us to be great...i think that disappointment has taken over my life the past little while, i am spending too much time with the ashes, my fire is losing fuel...but rejoice, we all combust eventually and there will be heat again...i must rise from the ashes, like a rocket to the moon...my goal is to be better, i need to start a list of things, things i can improve on and make that my purpose for awhile...to those always striving to be better, i salute you...somebody close to me once told me they were afraid of mediocrity and it is so true...we are all unique is some way, we just have to find it, prevent ourselves from being group together, mass produced...in a world of giants we must be strong enough to stand out as mice...and it this situation we can prove that being big isn't always being better.

m.

to plumet or not to plumet?

hello,
i come to you today with a bruised ego...thinking i was back into this whole running thing, like taking a break didn't affect me...i have discovered that i have a long way to go to get to where i want to be, but the good news is that i have some time...i am definitely behind my fellow competitors and it is going to take a very strong mind to give them a challenge come race day...also i have discovered that i really only have running to hold on to right now anyways...i mean making friends out here has been pretty tough and i am obviously trying to cut out the drinking and partying to give my running a boost so i am sort of left to running...i mean i could work more but who wants to do that...i am really at a cross roads in my working life...i give credit to all you people out there who happily wake every morning and stroll along to your average paying job and don't complain...it is getting to me already and i am only 25...what a joke i have become...whatever happen to all my thoughts of being something great when i get older...they are currently circling in the toilet, on the verge of being flushed away for ever...just sticking around enough to tease me into thinking i can post a better life...back to running, i hit a few 6 minute miles last night on my fartlek, the were downhill, but just don't tell anybody...it did feel good to get going that fast again and i wasn't huffing and puffing too much...however, the everest climb back home on my last hard mile was another story...i know it is good for me, but i could curse the hills here in vancouver and still sleep soundly at night...but i won't stoop to that level and push through...i got the yoga for runners dvd in the mail and i am going to start hitting that up in hopes that increased flexibility will help with my nagging injuries and all that jazz...i definetely have to be more disciplined in the mornings...they haven't gone well yet...i have been feeling very lonley lately our here in the west...losing touch with all the people i was once close with and it is sadening...i was remembering some good times while i was running down this deserted highway in burnaby last night and i couldn't help but get down...nobody tells you that when you try to make a positive change in your life, you must drag the negative along with you like a ball and chain until you are strong enough to break that chain...i fear that that may require a large amount of time and self discovery and i am beginning to realize that the effort required is greatly over my head...i guess it is fitting to do that out west due to the mountains, this sure is an obstacle the size of a mountain...i guess its time to break out my climbing shoes and begin the ascent...i just hope that if i fall somebody is there to hold my safety rope or i may plumet to my death.

m.

first comes the editorial, then comes the training, and the mental breakdowns

hello, for anybody interested in reading about my marathon training and any other rants that i may go on, hit up this blog and enjoy.



so i am a few weeks into a long build up to boston 2009. i was forced to take some time off while i shifted my life out west as well as i was nursing a nagging foot injury. the time off really allowed me to reflected on the passion that i feel for running and training for a purpose. i think that when i wasn't running my mood and outlook for the future was really affected in a negative way and perhaps that is something i have to work on as i get older and will need to rest more often. but as for now i will really on running to be my oxygen, my food source as i progress in life. lately i have been using the time on the road to contimplate my entire existence. my career path, my social life, or lack there or, and lots of family matters. i went through some tough stuff as i moved out west and that stuff still lingers and hitting the road really allows me to power through that. at times of lonliness i often think i should join a running group or something of that sort, but now i have realized that running is my solitude. its where i do my best work, wether that be training my muscles or sifting through my daily problems and also try to answer the life questions that have been plaguing me for years. i discovered a giant resource (a huge park with trails) near my house this past sunday and it really make me think about the future and the endless possibilities that are out there for us to take hold of. i realized that the end of something is really just where you stop. where you allow yourself to give in to the obstacles around you. maybe endings don't really existing, becuase the end of something is really just the beginning of something new. maybe we just need to try harder, push through, be strong and instead of using the end as a excuse to stop putting forth an effort, we rid ourselves of that word and start using positive replacements like transition. my life as an ontarioian (is that right) didn't end, it just transitioned into being a brithish columbian. anyways, that is the stuff that i think about while running...maybe it sounds better then because i am tired and delirious, the rolling hills here are kiiling me!!!



by the way, for all you who are waiting to kick my ass in boston, i am only at 50 miles for this week, but with big plans for the future. i have lost some fitness but i plan on giving my all there and hoping for a great result. like michael phelps i will keep my goals to myself and only say that i will bring a strong mind and hopefully a hardened body. until next time.



m.