time is like gravity...you can't stop it no matter how much you curse.

man last night was f'ing crazy...what an experience that was...perhaps i will tell one day...this week has been a week to remember and not really because anything monumental happened, but because i learned a lot...and it feels great...not running has been a bit depressing but i am discovering different parts of myself that i didn't realize existed and for that i will be forever greatful...i will always love running and do it for as long as i can, but right now, during this time off, i am going to enjoy everything else...and that is wonderful...i gotta give a shout out to J and C for the engagement...i am proud of you both for doing it up and happy that you found somebody who makes you smile on a regular basis...oh i gotta give a shout out to the pizza that i had last night too...it was the perfect culmination of a night that i never thought i would ever have...that shit was crazy!!!

i also got to see a layer of somebody who i have total respect for, that i never thought i would see...i find it incredibly interesting, the layers that we possess...and the layers that only arise at times of struggle, or at times of brief weakness...i mean, it doesn't mean we are weak or misguided as a whole, but in those short burst of time the layers glow like fireflys in the night; and its beautiful...i can't tell you how liberating it is to hear somebodies true opinion on a topic of life...no bullshit, no sensor, just their true feelings...that shit will wake you up like caffeine...and i appreciate the trust to allow me to be that listener...venting is a powerful thing...its like water being held in place by a damn, but having that damn break away...an unstobble force, it just flows out until their is equilibrium...i encourage it...in fact i want to swim in that equilibrium, breath it in...i want it to seep into my pores and surrond my soul and whisper sweat nothings in my ear as i fall asleep...i want it to lead the charge while i say all the things i am too scared to say...if only we had more time.

m.

lost in music.

its been awhile, i apologize.

this past week has been a tad lonely with my rommie being super busy and not seeing her much...i gotta master the being alone thing on my nights again...its a different dynamic and it kind of catches you off guard at first...but, the best things often rise from the worst situations...this past weekend, i got into some drinking and started writing and recording some music and i found it incredibily satisfying...it was the first time in a long time that i completely lost myself in something...running used to do that for me, but as i mentioned before i am on a little bit of a hiatus...so, writing and recording was a blessing this weekend...it is incredible to put something in motion and then sit back and watch it spin...this is something i am really excited about exploring and i think it could be something that will really help me through the whole running break...i am not sure if i can post anything on this blog, but when i have something complete that i feel merrits being posted on the internet i will figure something out...there are no lyrics right now, that may or may not change...i haven't mastered the art of recorded my voice yet so that could take some time...i found it quite interesting to compare the music that i created to the type of music i listen to...in a way it was completely different, but in another way it was just layers of different influences all mashed together...by no means am i a musician who is creating some sort of masterpiece, but its a creation and it is rewarding, challenging and just plain enjoyable and i look forward to more of it.

last night i was out celebrating australia day which was great fun...it was sort of inspiring to be around people who are just travelling and living life to the fullest, not caring about anything else but the present...it help put things in perspective for me...i mean it didn't change my life or anything, but it was interesting to see the difference between these people and the people i interact with on a regular basis...here's to the travellers.

i would still have to say that i am struggling with things, a few things, key points...but the sun still rises and sets each day with no sigh of slowing so that news is good news...ill keep chugging along, just to see what happens and where this train brings me...it should be exciting.

m.

music isn't dead.

i am getting bored with 'people' saying that the fans are killing the music industry by downloading shit for free...what is suppose to drive me to buy a band's cd? so i can put money into the pockets of the idiots that run their label...that sounds like fun...if i was a band i would release some kind of financial statement to my fans spelling out how their money is going to help me...i hear from some bands that they make almost no money of cd sales, that is why they tour...i am not sure if that is true, but perhaps i will look into some research to discover the real truth...if it is true, i feel no remorse for taking what is on the internet because i would gladly pay 30 or 40 dollars to see a band i like in a live setting...what i don't like and won't do is buy fucking tickets at three times the price from some idiot with a high speed internet connection that buys a bunch of tickets and sells them after the show is sold out...i think the music industry is in shambles and all your hear is negative from labels, but the one shining light is that bands still release solid shit...i have faith in the world that if you produce a quality sound, you will be fine...so until i discover the truth, i say download as much as you can and let the executives cry about only making a few million in profit instead of a few hundred million...but, be sure to support your fav bands when they come around...sing their songs and show them love, that will keep music alive.

m.

open spaces create an echo.

things are as bad as they seem.

but atleast failure is movement, because stagnation is death...if we don't move we don't learn...achievement is bullshit, who remembers anyways...i don't fear failure, i embrace it with open arms...i am so tired of all this potential shit...people waste potential everyday...mediocrity, thats just boring, i far from that...i excel...i excel at falling short, arriving two minutes too late and opening my eyes after the light has passed...definition who needs it, we just forget anyways...call me what you want...when all your goals are scartched out as impossible and your pencil is broken how do you set knew ones...memory? good luck with that...maybe someday i will change the definition of that word...make it mean something different...until then the silence is my torture and what i have to say just doesn't fill it.

m.

just a small piece.

yesterday was not a great day, but i recovered...a little music, some comforting words from a friend and i think i have an idea on how to right the ship...i have fallen off the wagon a bit and just haven't had the motivation to get back on...sometimes it just seems there are so many steps and that not taking any would be much easier...but then that would be just giving up right! and life just isn't worth giving up on, no matter the damage sustained...maybe its a question about physics...just like pushing a heavy ball, it takes much more force to get the ball started, to overcome the initial friction and mass, but once moving things will just fall into place.

the thing is when i think about it, i do it to myself...certain decisions that i make chip away at my base, but i continue to make them because i am not ready to let it go...like i said in a previous post, maybe that is just a personality flaw, and maybe its just because i believe in the greater power of the world and that things come around full circle...how do you cut ties with something that you need to make sure is true, but every time you check to make sure it is staying true a small piece of you dies...thats one i will have to work on...until the future.

m.

if only the dots weren't travelling at the speed of light.

does anybody else feel like you were born as some type of alien? that you just don't quite fit into the slots allocated for human life? where your life teters on the brink of exclusion?

where do we fit in? are we lepers? have we been deligated to sit in the shaded area while everybody else is allowed to play?

lately, i have been feeling a little bit on the outside. like i was cast out of the group, but with no real explanation why. almost like i am staring through foggy glass; able to see shapes and outlines and moving objects, but not able to make out the actual actions.

maybe its just a phase, a journey, once completed, will teach me a great lesson...until then i will keep my eyes peeled for stars because i am feeling like an astronaut floating through space...i have a beautiful view of the world, i just can't seem to enjoy it.

m.

letting it go, yes or no?

this weekend was relaxing...got to chat with a few friends, fixed up the new/used guitar, caught a couple of movies and toured a bit around the community...on saturday i set out on foot to run a few errands and what i got along the way was a lot of day dreaming...there were signs for the lottery at 22 million everywhere and it was pretty fun to imagine what i would do...i find it interesting that whenever i daydream about winning lots of money it never involves buying a lot of stuff...the most prominent theme of my current fantasy was picking up an R.V. and just road tripping around the continent with my friends...hitting up different places to run and seeing the country side in a close up personal way...i wonder what your daydreams and fantasy say about you as a person...is it a foreshadow for the future, somehow explaining my inner layers through the actions i would take with 22 million dollars...i think there are some lessons hidden in our dreams and our fantasies that we should pay attention to, perhaps those lessons will guide us to making our dreams become reality.

one thing that also hit me hard as i was walking through the streets of vancouver is why as humans we get so angry...i saw a driver make an obvious traffic violation, a poor decision on all parts...but what transpired after sort of blew my mind...the person behind this driver was furious and took to shouting and speeding ahead of the original driver...i was on the opposite side of 4 lanes of traffic and I could hear the man cursing like he wanted to killed the driver that had made the mistake...and all i could think was why? why do we take those little things so personally, and why do we allow them to boil our blood so fast? by no means was it a personal slight to the driver, but yet he took it that way and became almost violent, out of control...over what, a few lost seconds? where is the logic here? i think as humans we waste a lot of time and energy being angry over the smallest things...are we building resentment and bitterness through our life, allowing those demons to grow inside of us before letting them out every time we feel slighted in the least...perhaps that is it...instead of dealing with each of our problems with jam them into a bottle so tight until the lid explodes and we show the world what has been hiding the whole time...i understand anger is a form of expression; its part of life...but i say we try not to let it overcome us, especially in situations that don't merit it.

like i said before, i fixed up the guitar i bought for 25 bones...it now plays pretty good and it even plugs into my amp which is exciting...but, as i was telling a friend, i get a little sad each time i play it because i think of my first guitar, the original...playing guitar has become a great part of my life and to be forced to say goodbye to one has been a little bit of a struggle...but perhaps this guitar will bring out new things from inside me, new words and new sounds...and that is defintely something to look forward to...this friend told me that she wasn't suprised that i was sad because i have trouble letting go of things...i wonder if that is true for all things or just things that i truely care about...i guess we will see.

m.

they may be invisible to my eyes, but not to my soul.

so what do we all do during times of hardship? do you turn to family, friends? maybe you work it off or hit the gym looking for some kind of release...obviously for me i generally turn to running and just push it away...the the pavement seep it out the my feet and that way my brain has no chance to process it...but, things are no longer transpiring in such a manner...maybe my brain finally caught onto the game that the rest of my body was playing and put a halt to things...i am 90 percent sure i am going to take a significant break from running to try and heal my body because it is far from healthy and i would just be stupid to continue the way i am...obviously i will seek other forms of exercise to stay in shape during this time, but i know that it is going to be a struggle...vancouver has politely showed me how much i really love running...there were days that i would return from work in no mood to really do anything, but 5 minutes into a run and i felt on top of the world...the feeling you get when you are soaring down a deserted road, the wind brushing by your face like a pair of soft fingers, can't be beaten on the best of days...i could get lost in the sound of my feet pounding against the road like a metronome, it was magical, like a orchestra of a 1000 people all playing in perfect harmony...but that must be put on hold for the greater good and for the future...i will seek treatment and opinions from the skilled people in this world and hopefully come back stronger...so now the question is where to turn for release?

music?

last night i discovered how much i miss listening to music...i mean the music never stopped, but i think i stopped listening for awhile...each song is like a painting...some people see the painting and simply see different colours of paint...but others, well they see a vision, they see a message that was painted specifically for them...and that is how i used to feel when i listened to music, i would lay in my bed sometimes alone, sometimes not and just enjoy the songs and how they came together to create an atmosphere of sound waves...i will use this to help me get through these tough times, because that is my roots...i remember when i first heard brand new, the band that i consider closes to my heart...i piece of me changed forever and i loved that...i have listened to those songs 1000's of times now since first hearing them and still love them...it is pretty tough to top that...so heres to therapy through music and letting each note and chord send you a message...i know thats what i will be doing.

m.

its a taste that will never get old.

its time.

so after much blank time, i am back full of reflection and slightly altered views on this life we all are living...i haven't posted since i traveled back to ontario for the holidays and what a trip that was...i struggled with the thought that is was a bit of a disaster, the trip that is, but then i realized that on this page we look in the positive direction, not the negative...my trip began with a snow storm that rocked vancouver like a brand new concert and it took them weeks to recover...i was late getting to the airport because the cab driver could barely reach 40 km/h on main roads due to the snow piles that had accumulated...but no worries, i didn't miss my flight due to the fact that it was 7 hours delayed...i thought the wait in the airport would be painful and drag on, but in fact it was an experience that i will never forget...i find in incredibly interesting how stress out people get when they are travelling...why is that? aren't we usually going to a better place when we travel, or atleast to see people we love...shouuldn't that be an exciting time...i mean all the kids we excited, running around and screaming while they waited...having the time of their lives...why don't the adults act like that? is there an age you reach when you lose your ability to be excited, you lose your ability to adapt to situations and instead of rolling with the situation you just get upset or sad, or worst of all mad...and not mad any anybody because there is nobody really to blame, but just mad in general at life because it didn't quite go your way...lets try to work on that folks, myself included.

anyways, once i finally did arrive in ontario, the trip was filled with learning experiences...oh by the way, once the plane got in the air the flight was beautiful...the skies were super clear and i could see all the lights and all the cars that looks like little ants scurrying about trying to perfect their lives...the best part was when we got to the great lakes, i am not sure which one it was but since it was so clear and all the lights were shining so bright when i could see the water it looked as if the world had ended...the water was so dark and the contrast between all the wasted light from the city was nothing short of amazing...i wish i could have had a picture of that...the blackness looked so peaceful and i wanted to just dive into it and absorb the lack of energy...be competely still and just love that...perhaps one day...so while i was in ontario i got to see all kind of different relationships, which i thought was one of the best things about the trips, i met with my grandparents who have been together for 53 years...which hit me like a tons of bricks and i thought that was beyond incredible...in a world where the divorce rate is so high, that was sort of amazing to hear...my grandma had shown me a scrap book she made with each page being a year of their marraige and i thought that was super cool...i think i gained an extra bit of rescpect for love at that moment that i will never lose...i also saw all kinds of dysfunction and realized that it really isn't dysfunction at all...anybody who claims to have a 'normal' relationship i think in a little delusional...because when it comes to relationships and love its the imperfections that make it perfect...since i had time on my hands i got a chance to observe the people around me and i just found it really intersting how each couple functions in a different way...those in love, i salute you, dysfunction for life!

so that about takes us into the new year and new years was pretty great...oh christmas was relaxing, it was nice to not have any hype or craziness...a nice little morning, a great dinner and some fam...solid...plus i got to see the bailster and she is a creation that rivals the sun in spectacle...what a sight to see a little human, learning and growing right in front of your eyes...i swear they get brighter by the minute...and what a responsibility, if i ever have a child i may wrap her in bubble wrap at all times just for added protection...haha...no, but that child is a bundle of joy...cheers to S and J...so back to new years, it was also great because it was low key, no expectation and i was basically an unattached observer who got to jam out to rock band...i mean you can get much better than that...there was a bit of drama, but nothing that couldn't be handled with some good avoidance and it all blew over in the morning...i did realize that some people can just be childs sometimes, which is really sad...and i don't mean childesh fun, i mean acting like are back in the single digits...lets get over that, or just put in an effort...cool.

so finally i finish the craziness that was ontario and i am ready to board my flight when the lovely west jet employee tells me there is a change of plans...yes i was denied due to some downsizing of the plane...i didnt even realize they could do that...anyways, turns out i got a huge credit and i got to due it up in toronto for the night...it pretty much worked out to be better than originally planned...so i toured, got some beer into me, lot a cell phone, used what seemed like a designer bathroom and got into some ikea with kyur-e-us...all and all a solid extra day.

so after all this i would finally get on a plane back to vancouver, delayed again, but that was the theme so i wasn't too upset...in fact i never really got upset the whole trip...i mean i didn't really accomplish too much, but it was a great time just because it was good times all the time...thanks to everybody that helped get me around you all were a big help.

so i think that will be all for today, obviously i only touch on the surface, but i am sure lots more will come out as i continue to write in further posts...i did want to mention that i was force to say goodbye to a member of my life who was dear to my heart....my guitar.

yes, west jet failed me this time and my guitar didn't make the trip back in one piece...when i realized i wasn't really sure what to think...part of me wanted to cry because i had been through a lot with that guitar...it was my first, the one i learned on, the one i wrote my first song on...but just like anything else it didn't stop the sun from rising the next morning...so i moved on...i will now just wait until i can buy a new and hope that the new one will give me as much or more as my original...if anything i would have to say the theme of the trip was just that...time moves forward, period...nasty things happen, you cry, you feel like shit and theirs times when you just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until you don't feel anymore...but the reality is, you can't...time is relentless...and what we don't know is that is passes to help us, not hinder us...it time stopped everytime it rained, well it would be raining all the time...so i say, thank you time, thank you for the little shove, thanks for advancing my life because every push forward means your closer to whatever you are trying to reach...that very thing may be moving as well, but atleast you are putting in the effort and time is there to keep you honest, keep you aware, teaching you that life goes on no matter the circumstance...teaching you that your time on this earth is limited, but with that limited time you can really make a life of it....tick tock.

m.

oh the running is sort of sputtering lately due to some unwanted pain...going to investigate and will upate next time. its good to be back.

this message has been brought to you by a falling bomb.

its coming i swear, it can't be stopped even if i put up a fight...just hold onto your patience and don't let it fall overboard...let the skeletons in your closet keep your company until i shed the light on the previous unknown...together we will make it happen...we will torch the layers that mean nothing and arrive at some type of conclusion even if that conclusion really doesn't change anything...that is not what its about...its about the journey and how many shit storms you can endure before throwing in the towel...the fight has just begun...stay tuned.