i recently realized, although subconsciously knowing for awhile, that i am, in the deepest and unfortunately, most darkness way, stricken with loneliness.
i miss sharing a couch with somebody while watching a great movie.
i miss making two sets of breakfasts, and caring how it tastes.
i miss being forced to use only one pillow due to the other one being occupied.
i miss having an ear to hear me strum my guitar.
i miss having a passenger in my car.
i miss the feeling you get when you hold somebody's hand.
and i fear that i am losing, more and more each day, my ability to contribute to any type of relationship...it feels so much like all the people i had relationships with, they are just fractions now...i don't see them, just hear them...maybe i see them, but just a digital version...i say less words in a day, than footsteps on an easy 6 mile run...what happened to me...where did i go wrong?
i am losing myself, slowly and surely and i am watching it happen...and it just makes me sad...i used to think i could do whatever it was i wanted, no i wonder if i can do anything...its eating me alive.
the people i talk to just keep telling me about how much potential i have and that things will turn around...and it just makes me feel like i am on fire, miles away from the nearest body of water...even the road seems silent these days...i run because its a necessity, but will it soon fail me?
i am really out of answers, lost and confused about my place in this world...i am struggling because i don't know how to seek help...i never really have had to...i could always figure things out on my own...and now, perhaps this hole is much to big for me to climb out...i am stuck.
my sister was married recently and i am happy for her...L and C really seem happy together...i am proud of her...however, the idea of marriage is just so lost on me...it is so difficult for me to grasp...why as humans do we build this institution to the point that is validates a relationship (or so society says)...wouldn't a real test of commitment be to not get married and stay faithful and in love forever?...doesn't marriage give us a crutch to lean on during the tough times? i understand people feel the need to celebrate their love for one another, and i think that is great, but i just don't see how marriage can mean what it means to people...something like 44% of marriages fail in Canada, and its reasonable to believe at least one out of every 10 marriages are unhappy, but they stay together...that means half of the people that get married stood in front of their family and friends and said 'until death do us apart' (or whatever they say) and then didn't go through with that statement...i am just amazed that we, as humans, remain so excited about the thought of marriage when those statistics just don't lie...i don't think i will ever wrap my head around it, nor will i ever feel the need to marry somebody to validate the love we feel for each other...maybe it stems from the over use of that word - love...how many people say that and don't mean it...and then i guess once they say that, the next logical societal step is marriage...lets put the blame on that...so, if you read this, stop saying that word unless you truly mean it...and if you are wondering if you mean it, you probably don't...stop asking other people if they think you are in love and listen to yourself...yes to most that will sound cynical, but if you really think about it, its more logical than anything...i have no problem with commitment, i have a problem with the people who promise commitment and then decide they were lying to themselves the whole time.
so, i will finish this seemingly dark entry with some light...i had a visit by MC Laughlin last week and it was up there as one of the best weeks i have had in vancouver...i smiled the whole time and felt more myself that i have in awhile...thanks!! although it was tough for MC to get over the fact that i am now running in barefeet and that i challenge almost every typical thought, we had fun. period. that was the best and most important thing. it was a perfectly, jagged lightning strike that illuminates the sky, just when you think the storm can't get any more beautiful...it was the sound of that light engulfing your entire body and the perfect smell of cold rain drops attacked by the warm ground and being trasformed into vapour...it was time well spent...it was living.
m.
